CRINGE TOPIA

ACT I SCENE 1 YOU CAN SEE THE GOLDEN GATE BRIDGE, SUNRISE BEHIND THE BAY. THEN AN EXTERNAL SHOT OF AN APARTMENT BUILDING SOUTH OF MARKET STREET. THERE IS A SHOT OF A WINDOW OF THE ROOM. IT IS FURNISHED SIMPLY. AS WE PAN ACROSS THE ROOM WE SEE A MAN AND A WOMAN ASLEEP AND PARTIALLY NAKED. THE ALARM CLOCK RINGS. THE MAN REACHES TO THE CLOCK AND TURNS IT OFF. HE SLEEPILY AROUSES AND PUTS ON HIS SHORTS AND WALKS SLOWLY TO THE BATHROOM. HE CLOSES THE DOOR. PAN BACK TO THE WOMAN WAKING UP. THE MAN COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM AND SMILES TENDERLY AT HER. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: 2 . LISA I am not a slave here, am I? JOHNNY Did you like last night? LISA Yes, I did. ( PAUSE ) What time do you have to be there? JOHNNY (HE PULLS A SUIT FROM THE CLOSET AND THROWS IT ON THE BED AND STARTS DRESSING.) JOHNNY Where is my coffee? LISA (SHE GETS OUT OF BED AND PUTS ON A REVEALING GOWN AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN.) What time do you have to be there? JOHNNY (HE IS YELLING.) I told you many times! 9:30! I have my promotion to think about . LISA Promotion! Promotion! That's all I hear about. Here is your coffee and English muffin and burn your mouth. JOHNNY (HE SITS DOWN AT THE TABLE DRINKING AND EATING.) Old man Donkey lets me know today. I have to think about our future . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) LISA Well at least I don't have a promotion to think about. JOHNNY You have too much competition in the computer field. LISA I can handle it. You worry about yourself. JOHNNY You sound like we have separate lives. We will be married next month Lisa. LISA Yeah .... Yeah .... Well . JOHNNY (HE STANDS UP.) Thank you for breakfast. (HE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK AND LEAVES.) See you later. LISA (LISA WALKS TO THE PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER.) Hi mom. How are you doing? CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE IS TALKING ON THE OTHER PHONE.) I'm fine. What's happening with you? Nothing much. LISA CLAUDETTE What's wrong? Tell me. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) LISA I'm not feeling good today. CLAUDETTE Why not? LISA I don't think I want to get married. CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE RAISES HER VOICE.) Why not? LISA I don't love him anymore. CLAUDETTE Why not? Tell me why. LISA He's boring. CLAUDETTE Well you've known him for over five years. You're engaged! You said you loved him. You should reconsider. He supports you, he provides for you, and you can't support yourself. He is a good guy and he loves you very much. His income is very secure and he told me he wants to buy you a home. LISA That’s why he's boring. CLAUDETTE What are you going to do? LISA Urn, I don't know. I don't mind living with him. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 5 . CLAUDETTE You can't do that. Did you tell Johnny about it? LISA No . I don ' t know what to do . CLAUDETTE He's a very nice person and you know he ' s getting a promotion soon. He bought you a car, a ring, clothes, whatever you like and now you want to dump him. It's not right. I've always thought of him as my son in law. You should marry him. He would be good for you. LISA Oh, I guess you're right about that, mom. CLAUDETTE Of course I'm right my dear, I know about men. I was not born yesterday. I'm glad you listen to your mother. Nobody else listens to me . I work so hard and nobody appreciates it. I try to tell them what they should do, but they don't listen. LISA I guess I'll try. See you later, mom. CLAUDETTE Okay. Take care of yourself, Lisa. Bye. LISA Bye mom. (LISA HANGS UP AND DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER WHILE SHE'S MUNCHING ON A BAGEL . ) MARK (MARK, 24, A YOUNG HANDSOME MAN WITH A WELL-TRIMMED BEARD, IS IN A CAR AS HE ANSWERS THE CALL . ) Hello? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 6 . LISA Hey baby, how are you doing? MARK Oh hi, I'm very busy. How are you doing? LISA I just finished talking to my mother and she just finished giving me this big lecture about how big and great Johnny is. MARK We'll talk about it later. As I already told you I'm very busy. LISA Busy doing what? We'll talk about it now. Whenever you say we'll talk about it later, we never do. I can't wait till later, we have to talk right now. You owe me one anyway. Remember when Johnny saved your life? Remember it was all because of me telling him to do it? MARK Okay you win. What do you want to talk about? LISA She is a stupid, fucking bitch. She wants to control my life. I will not put up with that anymore. She's not the boss of me, and nobody's going to tell ME what to do ! I'm going to do whatever I want and that's it! What do you think I should do? I need your advice. MARK Why do you ask me? I mean you've been very happy with Johnny. What do you want me to say? You should enjoy life. What's the problem? LISA Maybe you're right. Can I see you for coffee tomorrow? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) MARK Ok, about twelve noon? LISA Okay. I will be waiting baby. Bye MARK Bye . (LISA FINISHES HER BAGEL AND CHANGES HER CLOTHES.) END SCENE SCENE 2 LISA IS SITTING AT THE TABLE DOING HER NAILS. SHE IS WEARING TIGHT JEANS, A LOW-CUT T-SHIRT AND RED SHOES WHICH MATCH HER NAIL POLISH. THE DOORBELL RINGS AND LISA WALKS OVER TO THE FRONT DOOR. LISA Who is it? BILLY Billy. LISA (LISA OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. BILLY, 18, LISA'S OBNOXIOUS YOUNGER BROTHER, WHO IS A HOMOSEXUAL, IS STANDING AND SMILING. ) LISA Hey Billy, how are you doing? BILLY I'm fine. What's new? LISA Actually, I'm really busy. Do you want something? (BILLY BARGES IN, PUSHING PASSED LISA.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 8 CONTINUED: BILLY No thanks. I just want to see Johnny. You look....um, beautiful, today.... so, yeah can I kiss Johnny? LISA You are such a little brat! BILLY I'm just kidding! I love you and Johnny, but especially Johnny . LISA (WITH THE SIGH.) Everybody loves Johnny.... Oh, ok, Johnny is going to be here any minute. You can wait if you want. BILLY I got to go. You'll tell him I stopped by? LISA Of course I will. BILLY Bye . LISA Bye Billy. (BILLY EXITS THE FLAT.) END SCENE SCENE 3 LISA IS SITTING ON THE COUCH READING HER BOOK AS WE HEAR THE SOUND OF THE FRONT DOOR BEING UNLOCKED. JOHNNY COMES IN CARRYING FLOWERS. AS HE ENTERS, LISA STANDS UP, PLACES HER BOOK ON THE TABLE AND WALKS TOWARD HIM. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 9 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY Hi babe, these are for you. (JOHNNY HANDS THE FLOWERS TO LISA.) LISA Oh thanks, they are beautiful. (LISA KISSES JOHNNY ON THE CHEEK.) Did you get your promotion, honey? (SHE TAKES THE FLOWERS TO THE KITCHEN, UNWRAPS THEM AND SHOVES THEM IN A VASE. JOHNNY LIES DOWN ON THE COUCH. SHE BRINGS THE FLOWERS TO THE ROOM AND PLACES THEM ON THE COFFEE TABLE . ) You didn't get it did you. JOHNNY That son of a bitch told me I will get within three months. It's not right. I save them bundles, they are crazy. I don't think I will ever get it. They trick me, they didn't keep their promise, they betray me, and I don't care anymore. LISA (LISA IS SITTING IN THE CHAIR NEXT TO THE COUCH.) Did you tell them how much you saved them? JOHNNY Of course I did. What do you think? They already put my ideas into practice. Already the bank saves tons of money. They should be grateful to have someone like me who is so good at doing the things I do there. Instead old man Donkey is using me and I'm the fool. LISA I still love you. JOHNNY You're the only one who does. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 10 . LISA You still have friends, I didn't get any calls today. You're right, this computer business is too competitive. I called a dozen of my old clients and they don't need me. ( PAUSE . ) Do you want me to order a pizza or something? JOHNNY Whatever I don't care. LISA What kind of topping do you want? JOHNNY I don't care. LISA Are you alright? What is the matter? It's just a lousy promotion . (SHE ORDERS PIZZA.) I'll fix a cup of chocolate. That will make you feel better. (SHE GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK WITH A CHOCOLATE AND SHE SETS IT ON THE COFFEE TABLE. JOHNNY (JOHNNY SITS UP.) Thank you. LISA (SHE GIVES HIM THE CHOCOLATE AND SITS NEXT TO HIM.) I need a drink. JOHNNY I don't drink, you know. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 11 . LISA (SHE GOES TO THE CABINET AND POURS TWO DRINKS AND CARRIES THEM BACK TO JOHNNY AND POURS HIS DRINK INTO HIS CUP OF CHOCOLATE. SHE TAKES A SIP OF HER DRINK.) It's good for you. Don't worry about it. JOHNNY I can't drink that. You must be crazy. LISA (LISA TAKES THE DRINK FROM THE TABLE AND FORCES JOHNNY TO HOLD THE DRINK IN HIS HAND.) If you love me, you will drink this, my darling. (THE PIZZA MAN RINGS THE BELL.) You are not drinking your cognac, dear. It will taste good with the pizza. JOHNNY (HE TAKES A SMALL SIP AND EATS PIZZA.) You're right, it's good. LISA I know, I am right. Don't worry about those fuckers. You are a good man. Let's drink and have some fun. (FADE OUT, AND FADE IN TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE APPARTMENT . INSIDE THEY ARE DRINKING.) JOHNNY You have nice legs. (HE'S MUMBLING.) LISA (LISA IS TAPPING HIS SHOULDER.) You have nice pecs. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 12 . JOHNNY (THEY STUMBLE TO THE BED AND FALL INTO EACH OTHER'S ARMS, LAUGHING. ) Ha, ha. I'm tired, I'm wasted, I love you darling! LISA You've never been wasted. Make love to me, Johnny. (JOHNNY DOESN'T RESPOND.) Come on, you owe me one. JOHNNY Okay, okay. (HE IS FALLING ASLEEP. LISA TURNS OFF THE LIGHT AND CRAWLS IN BED BESIDE HIM AND FALLS ASLEEP.) END SCENE SCENE 4 (DRESSING HERSELF IN A SEXY OUTFIT TO GET READY FOR MARK, LISA PUTS ON JEWELED SANDALS TO SHOW OFF HER TOENAILS. THE DOORBELL RINGS AND SHE OPENS THE DOOR.) MARK Hi. LISA Hi. MARK How are you doing? LISA I'm fine. MARK That's good. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 13 . CONTINUED: LISA Thanks. How are you? MARK Not bad. LISA I'm glad. Would you like to come in? MARK May I? LISA Of course, come in. You want a cup of coffee? MARK Okay LISA Have a seat. (LISA GOES TO THE KITCHEN. MARK SITS DOWN AND PICKS UP A SPIDER-MAN COMIC. LISA COMES BACK WITH TWO CUPS OF COFFEE AND PLACES THEM ON THE TABLE . ) MARK Thank you. You look very nice today. LISA Oh, thank you Mark. (SHE GOES TO THE STEREO AND PUTS ON A CD OF CLASSICAL MUSIC AND LIGHTS THE CANDLES WHICH ARE ON THE TABLE. SHE IS SPEAKING IN A SEDUCTIVE VOICE.) It's hot in here today, my dear boy. (SHE REMOVES HER T-SHIRT AND REVEALS A TIGHT DRESS WITH FAIR SHOULDERS . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 14 . MARK The candles, the music, the sexy dress. What's going on here? LISA (SHE MOVES CLOSER TO MARK AND SLIGHTLY TOUCHES HIM AND KISSES HIM ON THE CHEEK.) I like you very much lover boy. MARK What are you doing this for? LISA You don't like me? I'm your girl. MARK (MARK LIGHTLY PUSHES LISA AWAY.) Johnny's my best friend. You're going to get married next month . LISA (LISA PUTS THE GLASS ON THE TABLE AND APPROACHES MARK.) Forget about Johnny. This is between you and me. (LISA CONTINUES TO SEDUCE MARK AS HE RESISTS.) MARK (HE STARTS TO GET UP.) I don't think so. I'm leaving now. LISA (SHE GRABS HIM IN A TIGHT HUG AND STARTS TO CRY.) Don't leave. I need you, I love you. Everything is going wrong. I don't want to get married. I don't love Johnny anymore. I dream about you. I want you to make love to me. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 15 . MARK I don't think so. Don't worry, everything is going to be okay . (HE GRABS HER WRIST AND PULLS HER ARMS AWAY FROM HIM. SHE BREAKS FREE FROM HIS GRIP AND GRABS HIS SHIRT, PULLING IT UP FROM HIS PANTS AND UNBUCKLES HIS BELT. AT THE SAME TIME SHE KISSES HIM TENDERLY. HE KISSES HER BACK. SHE PULLS HIM TO THE BED AND THEY LIE DOWN TOGETHER. AFTER THEY FINISH DOING SEX MARK STANDS UP AND PUTS ON HIS CLOTHES IN A HURRY. AT THE SAME TIME HE IS TALKING.) Why did you do this to me? Why? Why? Why? (HE IS YELLING.) I can't believe I let you do this to me! Oh god, Johnny's my best friend. LISA Didn't you like it? Didn't you enjoy it? MARK That's not the point. Do you realize what we've done? LISA I love you Mark. I love you very much. MARK I was always attracted to you. I mean you are very beautiful. But, listen to me Lisa, we can't do this anymore. I can't hurt Johnny. LISA (SARCASTICALLY. ) Yeah, I know. He's your best friend. MARK I'm glad you understand the situation I'm in. This will be our secret. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 16 LISA Did you like it? MARK (NODDING HIS HEAD.) Yeah . I knew it ! LISA MARK (HE IS KISSING LISA ON THE CHEEK.) See you later alligator. I have to go now. LISA Okay, I'll see you later. (SHE HOLDS ONTO HIS ARMS AND HE GOES OUT THE DOOR.) END SCENE SCENE 5 LISA (SMILING, SHE VERY QUICKLY STRAIGHTENS THE BED. THEN SHE WASHES THE COFFEE CUPS, PUTS THE CANDLES AWAY AND CHANGES TO JEANS AND T-SHIRT. SHE PUTS PASTA IN THE OVEN. AND SETTLES IN THE CHAIR WITH A MAGAZINE. SHORTLY THERE IS THE SOUND OF A KEY IN THE DOOR. JOHNNY ENTERS THE APARTMENT WITH ONE RED ROSE . ) JOHNNY Hi, how are you? JOHNNY (HE GIVES LISA THE ROSE, TAKES HIS BLAZER OFF AND SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: LISA (SHE SMILING AND PUTTING THE ROSE TO HER NOSE.) Thank you, I'm doing great. You're so charming, you always give me flowers. You're so unique. Let me kiss you. (SHE GETS UP AND KISSES JOHNNY ON THE CHEEK.) JOHNNY Oh, thank you. What's cooking? LISA Pasta, your favorite dish, my sweet pie. JOHNNY You're awfully happy today. What's up? Did you get a client LISA I called dozens of clients. No one needs my service. It's very tough. Do you feel like eating now? JOHNNY I'm starving. What else did you do today? You're in a very good mood. LISA Let me fix the pasta. JOHNNY I'll take a shower. (JOHNNY DISAPPEARS INTO THE BATHROOM.) LISA (WHEN HE DISAPPEARS, LISA WAITS UNTIL THE WATER IS RUNNING AND DIALS A NUMBER ON THE PHONE.) Hi Mark, I miss you. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 18 . MARK I just saw you. What are you talking about? LISA Sorry my darling. I just wanted to hear your sexy voice. I can tell you something now. I like how you put our sexy hands around my body. You excite me so, and I love you. MARK Is Johnny there? LISA Yeah he's in the shower, but I like you better. MARK But I don't understand you. Why do you do that? LISA Because I love you. (SARCASTICALLY. ) You don't care, do you. MARK Yes I do care, but we agreed that it's over between us. LISA I understand. I'm with you, it's our secret. I still have feelings for you, but I guess you don't care. MARK Yes, I do care. Don't drive yourself crazy. LISA (THE WATER STOPS RUNNING.) I have to go now. See you later my darling. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) MARK Don't call me that. LISA Okay bye. MARK Bye . JOHNNY (JOHNNY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH A TOWEL AROUND HIS MIDDLE AND GOES TO THE CLOSET.) Who were you talking to? LISA My mother . JOHNNY Is she okay? LISA Oh, she tested for breast cancer, now she's talking about dying. JOHNNY It's no big deal these days, is it? LISA No, I'm not worried. (SHE IS PREPARING DINNER AND PUTTING EVERYTHING ON THE TABLE . ) Dinner is ready. (THEY SIT DOWN TO EAT.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 20 . JOHNNY What happened last night? I don't remember anything. Did we make love? LISA You don't remember? You poor little thing. You don't remember when you hit me? JOHNNY (JOHNNY IS YELLING) Hit you! I never would do that, even if I was drunk! You must be kidding. It's not true, is it? Do you have a bruise? LISA Yes, it's true. JOHNNY (THEY ARE EATING.) I will never drink again. I feel sick. I can't eat any more. (HE IS PUSHING HIS PLATE AWAY.) LISA I'm strong. Don't worry about it. I need some money. I have to buy a new dress. JOHNNY How much do you want? LISA Around $ 300.00 JOHNNY Oh wow. Why so much? (HE PULLS OUT HIS WALLET AND HANDS HER THREE ONE-HUNDRED DOLLARS BILLS . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 21 . LISA Thank you Johnny. (SHE KISSES HIM ON HIS CHEEK.) You're always so generous with me. JOHNNY I have to be. You're my future wife. We will be married soon. You love me, don't you? LISA Of course I do. (LISA GETS UP, CLEARS THE TABLE, AND CHANGES HER CLOTHES.) JOHNNY I'm going to the roof to straighten out my head. LISA Why, is it crooked? JOHNNY/LISA Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. LISA But are you okay? JOHNNY I'm fine. LISA Don't worry about it. END SCENE Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau SCENE 6 22 . JOHNNY (JOHNNY STORMS ONTO THE ROOF WITH A WATER BOTTLE AND LOOKS CONFUSED AND LOST. HE SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.) I did not hit her. It's not true! It's bullshit, I did not hit her. Why did Lisa say that? I would never do that! ( JOHNNY THROWS THE BOTTLE OF WATER TO THE GROUND . ) I did not hit her! (JOHNNY PICKS UP A FOOTBALL FROM THE FLOOR AND TOSSES IT IN THE AIR. ) Oh hi Mark. What's up with you? MARK Not much. I'm just sitting up here thinking about life. I wonder if girls like to cheat like guys do? JOHNNY What makes you say that? MARK (MARK STANDS UP AND JOHNNY TOSSES THE BALL TO HIM.) Well, I'm just thinking, you know. JOHNNY (THEY CONTINUE TO TOSS THE BALL WHILE THEY ARE TALKING.) I don't have to worry about that because Lisa is loyal to me. MARK You never know. People are very strange this days. I used to know a girl who had a dozen guys. One of them found out about it, beat her up and she ended up in a hospital. JOHNNY What a story! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 23 . CONTINUED: MARK You can say that again. JOHNNY (JOHNNY GETS UP AND WALKS OVER TO MARK AND STANDS NEXT TO MARK. ) I'm so lucky I have you as my best friend and I love Lisa so much . MARK Yeah man, you are lucky. ( PAUSE . ) (MARK IS SPEAKING SLOWLY, IN A LOW VOICE.) Very .... lucky . JOHNNY You should have a girl Mark. MARK (MARK WALKS AWAY FROM JOHNNY AND CAREFULLY POSITIONS HIMSELF SO HE IS STANDING IN THE EXACT MIDDLE OF THE ROOF.) Yeah, I guess you're right. Maybe I have one already. I don't know yet. JOHNNY Well what happened to that girl? Remember? Betty? That's her name, isn't it? Betty? MARK Yeah . ( PAUSE . ) Yeah, we don't see each other anymore. Besides she wasn't any good in bed. She was beautiful, but we had too many arguments . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 24 . JOHNNY That's too bad. My Lisa is great when I can get it. MARK (NOT BREAKING HIS GAZE FROM JOHNNY, MARK SLOWLY BACKS AWAY FROM THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOF AND STARTS FEELING FOR HIS CHAIR WITH HIS HAND BEHIND HIM. WHEN HE FINDS IT HE SITS DOWN.) I just can't figure women out. Sometimes they're smart, sometimes they're dumb. Sometimes they're good, sometimes they're bad. Sometimes they're nice, sometimes they're not nice. They are evil, seductive and hostile. JOHNNY (JOHNNY WALKS OVER TO MARK.) JOHNNY Seems to me like you're an expert on this. (JOHNNY SITS DOWN NEXT TO MARK.) MARK (LAUGHING BITTERLY.) Nooooo . I'm definitely not an expert. JOHNNY What's bothering you Mark? MARK ( MARK STANDS UP AND SHOUTS . ) Nothing man! Forget it! JOHNNY (JOHNNY GETS UP AND GOES AFTER MARK.) Is it some secrets Mark? Why don't you tell me? We are like brothers, we shouldn't have secrets. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 25 . MARK No forget it. I'll talk to you later! (MARK GOES THROUGH THE DOOR. JOHNNY GOES AND LIES FACE DOWN ON THE BENCH, CLUTCHING THE FOOTBALL TIGHTLY AT HIS SIDE.) END SCENE SCENE 7 LISA IS SITTING UNDERNEATH THE STAIRCASE WITH A CLIPBOARD AND DISCUSSING JOHNNY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY WITH HER MOTHER CLAUDETTE. CLAUDETTE AND LISA ARE DRINKING TEA. LISA So, I'm organizing a party for Johnny's birthday. Can you come? CLAUDETTE When is it? LISA Next Friday at six. It's a surprise. You can bring someone if you want. CLAUDETTE Well, sure, I can come, but I don't know if I'll bring anybody. Oh that jerk Harold, he wants me to give him a share of my house. That house belongs to me, he has no right. I'm not giving him a penny. Who does he think he is? LISA He's your brother. CLAUDETTE He is always bugging me about my house. Fifteen years ago we agreed that house belongs to me. Now the value of the house is going up and he's seeing dollar signs. Everything goes wrong at once. Nobody wants to help me and I'm dying. LISA We already discussed this. You're not dying mom. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 26 . CONTINUED: CLAUDETTE I am Lisa. I finally got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer. LISA Look, don't worry about it, everything will be fine. They are curing lots of people everyday and Johnny says it's not a big deal anymore . CLAUDETTE I'm sure he's right. I'll be fine. Oh I heard Edward is talking about me. He is a hateful man. I'm so glad I divorced him. I really think he gave me the breast cancer after he slept with that hooker. That type of riffraff carry all sorts of things. Don't you agree? LISA Look, don't worry about it. You just concentrate on getting well . CLAUDETTE Well at least you have a good man. LISA You're wrong, mom. He's not what you think he is. He didn't get his promotion, and he got drunk last night and he hit me. CLAUDETTE Johhny doesn't drink. What are you talking about? LISA He did last night, and I don't love him anymore. CLAUDETTE Johnny is your financial security. You can't afford to ignore this . LISA Yeah, ok mom. Can I just talk to you later? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 27 CLAUDETTE You don't want to talk to me. LISA I just got done talking with a client and I have to get ready to meet him. Can I just talk to you later? CLAUDETTE Ok, I will see you later. Bye, bye. (CLAUDETTE GETS UP FROM THE ARMCHAIR AND TAPS LISA ON THE NOSE. SHE THEN EXITS AS WE SEE LISA WATCH HER. LISA IS UNDER THE STAIRCASE . ) END SCENE ACT II SCENE 8 MICHELLE, A PRETTY BLOND CARRYING A BOOK, AND BRAN, A YOUNG BLOND MAN CARRYING A BOX OF CHOCOLATES, BOTH GOOD FRIENDS OF LISA AND JOHNNY, SECRETLY ENTER THE ROOM, MAKING SURE THEY ARE NOT SEEN. BRAN CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND THEM AND THEY COME TOGETHER. MICHELLE How much time do we have? BRAN I don't know. A couple of hours at least. MICHELLE (MICHELLE LEADS BRAN TO THE COUCH AND THEY SIT DOWN TOGETHER. ) Let's have some fun. BRAN (BRAN OPENS THE BOX OF CHOCOLATES AND PICKS A PIECE OUT.) Did you know that chocolate is the symbol of love? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 28 CONTINUED: MICHELLE Feed me . (BRAN PUTS THE CHOCOLATE IN HER MOUTH.) Yum. (BRAN AND MICHELLE BEGIN KISSING PASSIONATELY. BRAN THEN TAKES ANOTHER CHOCOLATE AND PLACES IT ON MICHELLE’S CHEST AND EATS IT OFF HER CHEST. HE STARTS KISSING HER NECK AS WELL.) BRAN It's delicious, just like your neck. (BRAN LEANS BACK AND MICHELLE SITS UP.) MICHELLE Arm ' s up . (MICHELLE TAKES BRAN'S SWEATER OFF AND PUSHES HIM BACK ONTO THE COUCH SO THAT BRAN IS LYING DOWN. MICHELLE THEN TAKES A CHOCOLATE OUT OF THE BOX . ) Chocolate is the symbol of love. (MICHELLE THEN PLACES THE CHOCOLATE IN HIS MOUTH AND ENJOYS HIS BODY AS THE LIGHTING FADES TO BLACK.) END SCENE SCENE 9 MICHELLE AND BRAN JUMP UP FROM THE COUCH AS THEY SEE LISA AND CLAUDETTE ARRIVE FROM SHOPPING WITH BAGS. LISA AND CLAUDETTE ARE SHOCKED TO SEE THEM. CLAUDETTE Hello .... (BRAN ADJUSTS HIS SWEATER AS MICHELLE LOOKS SHOCKED.) CLAUDETTE What are these characters doing here? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: LISA They like to come here to do their homework. CLAUDETTE What homework! BRAN It's in Michelle's purse. LISA Mom, this is Michelle's boyfriend Bran. Bran, this is my mother . BRAN It's a pleasure to meet you. (BRAN TRIES TO SHAKE CLAUDETTE'S HAND BUT SHE JUST LOOKS AWAY . ) MICHELLE Uh, huh. (MICHELLE AND BRAN EXIT AS CLAUDETTE IS DUMBFOUNDED.) CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE WALKS OVER AND SITS ON THE COUCH.) All that shopping wore me out. BILLY (BILLY STORMS INTO THE FLAT.) Hey Lisa. (He spots Claudette.) Oh, hello ... .mother . What a pleasant surprise to see you here . CLAUDETTE Well, well. If it isn't my son, the homo. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 30 . BILLY I just need to borrow some sugar. LISA Help yourself Billy. BILLY I also need a cup of flour and half a stick of butter. CLAUDETTE Just what sort of perverted filth are you planning to use those ingredients for!? BILLY I'll come back later. (BILLY EXITS THE FLAT. LISA GOES OVER AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER MOTHER. ) CLAUDETTE Tell me, what does Billy do for money? You're not lending him any I hope . LISA Johnny wanted to adopt Billy after you disowned him. It's really a tragedy how many kids out there don't have a great friend like Johnny. When Billy turned eighteen, Johnny found him a little apartment here in this building and he is paying for it until he graduates from school. Johnny is very caring about the people in his life, and he gave Billy his own set of keys to our place. Billy has a thing for Johnny, but I don't like it, so we try to discourage it. CLAUDETTE That boy has been nothing but trouble. First the cesarean and now this. It's time Billy grew up and took care of himself. LISA Johnny really cares about Billy, but Billy is so annoying. That's another reason why I don't love Johnny anymore. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 31 . CLAUDETTE Johnny makes a lot of money, so please don't hurt him. Now If you really don't love Johnny so be it, but you should wait till after you're married before you tell him. That way he has to split his assets with you 50/50 if he wants a divorce. BRAN (BRAN COMES RUSHING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND RIGHT TO THE COUCH. HE REACHES UNDER THE SEAT LOOKING FOR SOMETHING.) I forgot my book. (BRAN GRABS HIS UNDERWEAR AND CLAUDETTE GRABS IT FROM HIM.) CLAUDETTE Some book! What's it called, "The Week Bran Forgot To Change His Underwear"? BRAN Oh, that's nothing. (BRAN GRABS HIS UNDERWEAR BACK AND STORMS OUT, CLOSING THE DOOR. LISA AND CLAUDETTE CACKLE HYSTERICALLY.) CLAUDETTE Homework? LISA Don't worry about it. CLAUDETTE If I were a burglar, you would be my best friend. LISA Look, I don't want to talk about it. CLAUDETTE You know, I worry about you. I have to go home. Don't you ever have sex with that Bran character. Homework indeed. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) LISA Ok , mom . CLAUDETTE Bye, bye. (CLAUDETTE TAPS LISA ON THE NOSE. CLAUDETTE LEAVES THE FLAT LISA LEANS BACK ON THE COUCH.) LISA I need a drink. END SCENE SCENE 10 BILLY IS DRIBBLING THE FOOTBALL AS JIMMY, A RUGGED DRUG DEALING PIMP WITH CHISELED FEATURES AND A BLACK BEANIE, ENTERS ONTO THE ROOF. JIMMY Hey Billy. BILLY Jimmy! I've been looking for you. JIMMY Yeah, sure you have. You have my money right. (BIMMY AND JIMMY ARE PASSING THE BALL BACK AND FORTH.) BILLY Yeah it's coming. It'll be here in a few minutes. JIMMY What do you mean it's coming Billy? Where's my money? THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED 33 . CONTINUED: BILLY (SARCASTICALLY. ) Okay, chill out there Gramaha, Supreme Leader of the Astra Galactic Command. Just hold your wiener for five minutes and relax. The cash is on its way. JIMMY Five minutes? You want five fucking minutes. You know what... (JIMMY REMOVES A GUN FROM HIS BACK POCKET AND PUTS IT TO BILLY’S HEAD AS HE PUTS BILLY ON HIS KNEES.) I haven't got five fucking minutes! I'm going to ask you only one more time, so you better answer right. Where's my money Billy? BILLY Bite me! JIMMY Where's my money Billy? Where's my fucking money Billy? What did you do with my fucking money, you homo? BILLY It's coming! It's coming! JIMMY Where's my fucking money Billy? BILLY Put the gun down! JIMMY (SARCASTICALLY. ) What's the matter Billy, do guns scare you? BILLY Guns don't scare me. Idiots with guns scare me. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 34 . JIMMY That's it! Where's my fucking money Billy!? (MARK, LISA AND CLAUDETTE ENTER THE ROOF AND JIMMY POINTS THE GUN AT THEM. JIMMY YELLS.) Over there! All of you, over there! NOW! (JIMMY MOTIONS WITH THE GUN TOWARD THE SIDE OF THE ROOF. BILLY, MARK, LISA AND CLAUDETTE MOVE THERE WHILE JIMMY HOLDS THEM AT GUNPOINT . ) JIMMY Say your prayers wienerheads, because I'm about to make some Swiss cheese out of YOU! (AT THAT MOMENT THE VIEW CHANGES TO JIMMY'S PERSPECTIVE AS OMINOUS OPERA MUSIC, SUCH AS CARL ORFF'S "0 FORTUNA" , OR EQUIVALENT STARTS TO PLAY. JOHNNY’S MERCEDEZ IS SEEN RISING SLOWLY OVER THE EDGE OF THE ROOF WITH JOHNNY AT THE WHEELE . AS HE HOVERS IN THE AIR IN FRONT AND ABOVE THE GROUP, THE MUSIC SUBSIDES. JOHNNY SMILES, REVEALING LONG FANGED TEETH. HE IS GLOWING.) JOHNNY Do you know who I am? I have 9 black belts, 15 Master's degrees and a PhD in Agricultural Economics. That's right, you know I'm way better than you, and all my friends will gladly tell you just how great and awesome I am! Have you seen my power level? It's over 9,000! You know what that means? It means I have more than 9,000 units of POWER. It also puts my total adjusted force rating at 22,000! That's more than triple, so you don't want to make me mad, because anger is my middle name! JIMMY (TREMBLING WITH FEAR JIMMY MANAGES TO RAISE THE GUN AND AIM IT AT JOHNNY. HE FIRES SOME SHOTS, BUT JOHNNY EXTENDS HIS HAND OUT THE DRIVER'S SIDE WINDOW AND DEFLECTS THE BULLETS. NEXT JOHNNY EMITS A POWER FIELD FROM HIS HAND WHICH ENCOMPASSES JIMMY. JIMMY THRUSTS HIS ARMS OUT TO HIS SIDES AND YELLS . ) JIMMY Don't touch Jimmy!!! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 35 . (JOHNNY USES THE FIELD TO LEVITATE JIMMY, HOLDING HIM HIGH IN THE AIR UNTIL JIMMY DROPS THE GUN. A REAR PASSENGER DOOR OPENS AS JOHNNY DRAWS JIMMY TOWARD THE CAR AND DROPS HIM IN THE BACK SEAT. JOHNNY WAVES TO THE GROUP. THE GROUP WAVES BACK AS JOHNNY AND HIS CAPTIVE FLY OFF OVER THE SKYLINE, THEN UPWARDS, DISAPPEARING OUT OF SIGHT.) LISA (LISA AND CLAUDETTE APPROACH BILLY WHO IS AT THE EDGE OF THE ROOF IN A HYSTERICAL STATE. MARK IS SHAKEN AND SPEECHLESS, AND WATCHES FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOF.) LISA Billy.... are you okay? What did that man want from you? BILLY Nothing ! CLAUDETTE That was not nothing! LISA Tell me everything! CLAUDETTE You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in here, do you ! ? BILLY I owe him some money. LISA What kind of money? BILLY I owe him some money. LISA What kind of money? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 36 . BILLY Everything is okay, he's gone! CLAUDETTE Everything is not okay. That is a dangerous man. BILLY Calm down. Johnny's taking him to jail! LISA Billy, what kind of money? Just tell me! CLAUDETTE What do you need money for? LISA Mom please! Billy is with me and Johnny! CLAUDETTE A man like that with a gun! Oh my god! LISA Billy, look at me in the eyes and tell me the truth. We're your friends . BILLY I've been prostituting myself to make some money, and he's my pimp. Things got mixed up. He thinks I'm holding out on him. I didn't mean for this to happen. LISA (LISA STARTS CRYING.) Billy . . . .Billy . BILLY I don't work for him anymore. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) LISA Your clients, were they johns or tricks, Billy!? BILLY It doesn't matter. I don't do it anymore. CLAUDETTE It doesn't matter!? How the hell did you get involved with prostitution!? Are you taking drugs? LISA Mom. CLAUDETTE What, were you a hooker, call boy, a kerb crawler? Where in the hell did you meet that man!? LISA Were your clients johns or tricks? BILLY They're the same thing, and kerb crawlers are johns! (HE THINKS. ) .... also tricks . LISA (LISA GRABS BILLY AND SHAKES HIM) What the hell is wrong with you!! BILLY I just needed some money to pay off some stuff. LISA How much do you have to give him!? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) 38 . CLAUDETTE This is not the way you make money young man. LISA How much ! ? BILLY Stop ganging up on me! CLAUDETTE Well it is time somebody ganged you for god's sake. A man like that. Where the hell did you meet a man like that!? BILLY It doesn't matter! CLAUDETTE It matters a great deal! A man holds a gun on you. You almost got killed! You expect me to forget that happened? BILLY You are not my fucking mother anymore! CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE GRABS BILLY BY THE NOSE AND YANKS HIM TOWARDS HER. ) That's why I'm going to enjoy this so much! Pull down your pants, boy. It's time you got a belt whipping! LISA (LISA INTERFERES AND PULLS BILLY AWAY FROM CLAUDETTE.) No, no! CLAUDETTE Somebody had better do something around here! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (7) 39 . LISA (LISA CONSOLES AND CARESSES BILLY AS HE CRIES.) It's okay, it's okay. JOHNNY (JOHNNY REENTERS ONTO THE ROOF WITH A TRICKLE OF BLOOD ON THE SIDE OF HIS MOUTH. HE HEADS TOWARD BILLY.) Are you okay Billy? BILLY I ' m okay. JOHNNY Are you really okay? BILLY I ' m okay. JOHNNY Really? BILLY Yes ! JOHNNY You? MARK (MARK ARRIVES AT CLAUDETTE'S SIDE AND HOLDS HER SHOULDERS.) It's okay. CLAUDETTE What's okay? He's involved with some sort of gang of hemale trans-homo perverts! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (8) MARK Come on, stop. It was a mistake. CLAUDETTE A mistake? That he leases his body to addicted drug homos? JOHNNY (JOHNNY HOLDS BILLY’S HEAD IN HIS HAND.) Let ' s go home . MARK Come on, it's clear. CLAUDETTE What's clear? All you did was stand and watch. I'm going to call the police. LISA Mom stop! It was Billy's mistake, just stop! MARK Let ' s go . (MARK LEAVES WITH CLAUDETTE.) JOHNNY Why did you this? You know better, right? Why!? BILLY I'm sorry. JOHNNY You know better Billy... you almost got killed! BILLY I'm sorry, it won't happen again, I promise. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (9) 41 . JOHNNY Of course it won't. I made him.... go away. LISA I'm your older sister Billy, and you know that Johnny is like your father. We are going to help you. I'm going home now. (LISA EXITS THE ROOF LEAVING JOHNNY AND BILLY ALONE TOGETHER. ) BILLY Are we still going to the movie tonight? JOHNNY Oh, sure we are. BILLY What kind of movie are we going to see. Vampires? JOHNNY Well we'll see. .. .Billy, don't plan too much, it may not come out right. BILLY Alright, let's toss the ball around. Okay . JOHNNY (JOHNNY AND BILLY BEGIN TO TOSS THE FOOTBALL FROM ONE END OF THE ROOF TO THE OTHER.) BILLY I got to tell you about something. Shoot Billy. JOHNNY THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED CONTINUED: (10) 42 . BILLY It's about me and you. JOHNNY Go on . BILLY You're just so cool and such a nice, caring guy. Everybody likes you and only a fat, stupid, idiotic, selfish jerk with a body odor problem would ever betray you. You help so many people and you've been so good to me. JOHNNY Go on . BILLY I like you a lot, and I find myself sexually attracted to you. I know you love Lisa and I shouldn't think of you in that way, but I can't help it. I don't know, I'm just confused. JOHNNY Billy, don’t worry about that. Lisa and I love you too, as a person, as a human being, as a friend. You know people don't have to say it, they can feel it. BILLY What do you mean? (JOHNNY AND BILLY SIT DOWN ON SOME SEATS AS THEY TALK.) JOHNNY You can love someone deep inside your heart and there is nothing wrong with it. If a lot of people love each other, the world will be a better place to live. BILLY But you're Lisa's future husband. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (11) 43 . JOHNNY Billy, don't worry about it. The important thing is that you appreciate loyalty. You would never betray me and that's why I do things like pay your rent for you. In fact, and this is a secret, I have a small fortune built up that I'm waiting to give away as a reward to all my friends who never betray me. BILLY You mean you are not upset at me? JOHNNY No, because I trust you and I trust Lisa, and Mark. You are part of our family and we love you very much, as a friend. But you are sort of like our son too, and we will help you anytime . BILLY Well, you're right. Thanks for paying my tuition. JOHNNY You're very welcome Billy. Keep in mind that if you have any problems, talk to me and I will help you. BILLY Awesome. Thanks Johnny. JOHNNY Let's go eat, huh. Come on, let's go. (JOHNNY AND BILLY WALK TO EXIT THE ROOF.) JOHNNY You must be starving. BILLY I am, Johnny. I am. (JOHNNY AND BILLY EXIT THE ROOF.) END SCENE Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau SCENE 11 44 . LISA ENTERS THE ROOM WITH DEPARTMENT STORE SHOPPING BAGS AND HER FRIEND MICHELLE. THEY ARE TALKING AND LAUGHING. LISA Would you like something to drink? (SHE PUTS HER SHOPPING BAGS ON THE COUCH AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN. ) MICHELLE (MICHELLE CALLS TO HER.) What do you have? LISA Vodka, brandy, rum, tequila, applejack, vermouth, cognac, gin, and the whiskeys: bourbon, scotch, rye and Canadian. I would go with the rum because it's 151 proof. MICHELLE Hit me with a double! LISA/MICHELLE Let's get this party started! (THEY LAUGH.) MICHELLE How's Johnny? LISA Not so good. He didn't get his promotion. MICHELLE I'm sorry to hear that. Was he disappointed? LISA Quite a bit. He got drunk last night and hit me. Now he's on the roof trying to give advice to Billy. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: MICHELLE He hit you!?? How did that happen? LISA He got drunk and didn't know what he was doing. (THEY PREPARE DRINKS AND GO IN THE ROOM AND SIT DOWN.) MICHELLE You poor thing. Are you okay? LISA Well, I don't want to marry him anymore. MICHELLE What??? I thought it was all planned. How is he in bed? LISA He's okay, but I found somebody else. MICHELLE What!?? And you're planning a birthday party for Johnny? LISA Why not? He doesn’t know anything about it. (SHE GIGGLES.) Pretty good, huh? MICHELLE Look, this is not right. You are living with a one guy and doing sex with another. LISA I'm doing what I want to. MICHELLE Does this new guy know Johnny? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 46 . LISA (SHE IS SMILING.) He's his best friend who lives in this building. MICHELLE (MICHELLE TURNS AWAY AND THINKS FOR A MOMENT.) I don't believe you’re telling me this. (SHE THINKS A LITTLE WHILE MORE.) It's Mark, isn't it! You're not thinking about Johnny or Mark. You're just thinking about yourself, Lisa. You can't go on this way. Somebody's going to get hurt. You have to be honest with Johnny. You can't go on like this. LISA I can't do that. What will it do to Johnny? He would be devastated and never recover. MICHELLE Oh, so you're saying you are thinking about him and not yourself? Well if you care so much for him, then why cheat on him? LISA Look I really don't know what to do. I love Mark. I really don't have any more feelings for Johnny. MICHELLE Johnny is so excited about this wedding. LISA I know. MICHELLE You've got to tell Johnny. LISA No guilt trips . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 47 . MICHELLE You don't feel guilty about this at all? LISA No , I'm happy . MICHELLE Something awful is going to happen. LISA Please don't tell anybody. (JOHNNY OPENS THE DOOR AND ENTERS THE FLAT. MICHELLE AND LISA ARE STILL TALKING ON THE COUCH.) MICHELLE Don't worry, you can trust me. You're secret is safe with me. JOHNNY (JOHNNY ENTERS THE ROOM AND IS SURPRISED TO SEE MICHELLE.) Hello Michelle, I heard you. What secret? (JOHNNY SITS DOWN IN HIS CHAIR NEXT TO THE GIRLS.) LISA It's between us women. MICHELLE Hi Johnny. JOHNNY (TO LISA) Did you get a new dress? MICHELLE Well I guess I'd better be going. I'll just talk to you guys later? Excuse me. (MICHELLE WALKS TO THE DOOR AND OPENS IT.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) MICHELLE (TO LISA) Lisa, remember what I told you. (MICHELLE WAVES AS SHE EXITS. LISA LOOKS UPSET.) JOHNNY What's she talking about? LISA It's women talk. Only women can talk about it! JOHNNY (JOHNNY GETS UP AND PLACES HIS JACKET ON THE COUCH.) I still don't believe I hit you. You shouldn't have any secrets from me. I'm your future husband. LISA Are you sure about that? Maybe I'll change my mind. JOHNNY Don't talk like that. What do you mean? LISA What do you think? Women change their minds all the time. JOHNNY (JOHNNY LAUGHS AND PUTS HIS HANDS BEHIND HIS HEAD.) Ha, ha! You must be kidding, aren't you? LISA Look, I don't want to talk about it. I'm going to go upstairs, wash up and go to bed. JOHNNY (JOHNNY STANDS UP AND PUSHES LISA ONTO THE COUCH.) How dare you talk to me like that! You should tell me everything! What is it you don't want to talk about? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 49 . LISA I can't talk right now. JOHNNY (JOHNNY SITS DOWN NEXT TO LISA AND IS HYSTERICAL.) Why Lisa! Why Lisa! Why don't you talk to me! Come on Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Lisa! Talk to me please! Without you I would be nothing. You are my life, my everything, I could not go on without you Lisa. LISA You're scaring me. (LISA STANDS UP AS IF TO HEAD UPSTAIRS. JOHNNY STANDS IN HER FACE . ) JOHNNY You are lying! I never hit you. You are taking me apart, Lisa! ! ! ! ! LISA Why are you so hysterical!? JOHNNY (HE TAKES HER BY THE SHOULDERS AND SHAKES HER.) Do you understand life? Do you understand life? Do you? LISA (LISA GETS UP AND WALKS UP THE STAIRS.) Don't worry about it. Everything will be alright. (SHE IS KISSING JOHNNY ON THE CHEEK AND GOES INTO THE BATHROOM . ) JOHNNY You drive me crazy! (HE IS SITTING ON A CHAIR AND THINKING. HIS FACE LOOKS VERY WORRIED . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) LISA (SHE COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM WITH A SEXY NIGHTGOWN ON AND GOES TO BED. ) Goodnight, Johnny. JOHNNY Don't worry about it, I still love you. Good night Lisa. END SCENE SCENE 12 (LISA AND CLAUDETTE WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM FROM THE KITCHEN. ) LISA You look really tired today mom, are you feeling okay? CLAUDETTE I didn't get much sleep last night. LISA Why not? What's wrong? (LISA TOUCHES CLAUDETTE ON THE SHOULDER.) CLAUDETTE You remember my friend Shirley Hamilton? She wants to buy a new house and I asked Johnny if he could help her with the down payment. All he can tell me is that it's an awkward situation. I expected your husband to be a little more generous . LISA He's not my husband. CLAUDETTE I know, but Johnny is part of our family. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 51 . CONTINUED: LISA Mom, I don't love Johnny anymore. I don't even like him. I had sex with someone else. CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE BREATHES DEEPLY.) You can't be serious. (JOHNNY IS HIDING BEHIND THE STAIRCASE AND LISTENING TO THE CONVERSATION BETWEEN CLAUDETTE AND LISA. ) LISA You don't understand. CLAUDETTE Who, who is it? LISA I don't want to talk about it. CLAUDETTE Oh no! It's that homework character with the underwear, isn't it! I gave you strict orders not to sleep with that goof ball. Well, that's it. You leave me no other option than to disown y . . . LISA (LISA STARTS TALKING AND CUTS OFF CLAUDETTE BEFORE SHE CAN FINISH. ) It's not Bran! Look, I just don't want to talk about it. CLAUDETTE You don't want to talk about it. Then why did you bring it up in the first place? Have you lost your mind? Next thing you'll be turning tricks like your brother. LISA I don't know why I brought it up? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 52 . CLAUDETTE You don't know? You really are going crazy. (CLAUDETTE POINTS THE FINGER AT LISA.) I have to go pick up my breast cancer medicine. Can you believe it's going to cost me $ 120.00? I think the whole thing was made up just so they can make some easy money. Imagine, taking advantage of an old defenseless lady who's losing her life. LISA Mom, just take the medicine and you'll be fine. Are you coming to the party? CLAUDETTE Sure, I suppose so. (CLAUDETTE WALKS TO THE DOOR. SHE OPENS THE DOOR AND LISA AND CLAUDETTE EXIT. JOHNNY IS STILL BEHIND THE STAIRCASE. HE IS IN SHOCK. ) JOHNNY How can they say this about me? I don't believe it. Lisa has been unfaithful and that woman, her mother, cares more about her "life threatening" cancer than she does about me. (HE MAKES QUOTATION SIGNS WITH HIS FINGERS AS HE SAYS "LIFE THREATENING" . ) I'll show them. I'll record everything. (JOHNNY WALKS DOWN THE STAIRCASE AND OVER TO THE TABLE WHERE THE PHONE IS AND SITS DOWN. HE PULLS OUT A TAPE AND PLACES IT INTO THE TAPE RECORDER, HE INSTALLS THE RECORDING DEVICE INTO THE PHONE AND HIDES IT UNDER THE TABLE. JOHNNY THEN WALKS AWAY AND GOES UPSTAIRS TO THE BEDROOM.) END SCENE SCENE 13 (JOHNNY IS WALKING IN AN ALLEY AS BRAN STOPS HIM FROM BEHIND. THEY SHAKE HANDS AND LAUGH . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 53 . CONTINUED: BRAN Hey Johnny, what's going on? JOHNNY Oh hi Bran, what's new? BRAN Actually Johnny, I got a little bit of a tragedy on my hands. JOHNNY Did Michelle betray you or something? BRAN No, nothing horrible like that! I'd probably kill myself if she ever did that. JOHNNY Who wouldn't? So tell me what happened. BRAN Me and Michelle were making out, at your place. JOHNNY Uh huh. BRAN And Lisa and Claudette sort of walked in on us in the middle of it. That's not the end of the story. JOHNNY Go on, I'm listening. BRAN We're going at it and I get out of there as fast as possible. I get my pants, I get my shirt, and I get out of there. And then about half way down the stairs, I realize that I had misplaced, I had forgotten something ... .my underwear. ( JOHNNY AND BRAN BEGIN TO LAUGH . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 54 . JOHNNY Underwear? BRAN So I come back to get it, you know, and I pretend that I need a book, you know I'm looking for my book. I reach in and put the underwear in my pocket and it sort of slides out, and Claudette, she saw it sticking out of my pocket, and she pulls it out and she's showing everybody me underwears. JOHNNY You must be kidding. Underwear, I got the picture. BRAN I don't know what to do? Underwear, that's life. JOHNNY BILLY (BILLY IS CARRYING A FOOTBALL AND WALKS INTO THE ALLEY. Hey Johnny. JOHNNY Hey Billy. BILLY Do you guys want to play some football? BRAN I have to go see Michelle in a little bit, to make out with her. So I'm sorry. JOHNNY Oh come on ! BILLY What's the matter Bran, are you chicken? CHIP! CHIP!!! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 55 . JOHNNY Ha Ha! CHIP! ! ! CHIP! ! ! ! MARK (MARK ARRIVES AND JOINS THE FUN MAKING. HE STARTS JUMPING UP AND DOWN, FLAPPING HIS ARMS AND KICKING THE AIR.) CHIP ! ! ! CHIP ! ! ! BBBBRRRRRRAAAAAAAAWWWWKK ! ! ! ! CAW! ! ! CAW! ! ! ! ! JOHNNY Ha Ha! Oh hi Mark! BRAN Okay guys , whatever . BILLY Hey what's up Mark? MARK Hey Billy, what's up? JOHNNY Let ' s go for it . BILLY I'm going out. (BILLY GOES OUT AND CATCHES A PASS.) BRAN Sorry you had to see that. BILLY I'm not sorry. (JOHNNY, BRAN, MARK, AND BILLY PLAY CATCH THE FOOTBALL AS THEY LAUGH . ) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 56 . BILLY Studying right? I don't study like that. BRAN I bet you wish you did. (BRAN NODS TOWARD JOHNNY. JOHNNY LAUGHS AT THE COMMENT.) BILLY Catch it. MARK What's going on you guys? BILLY He's just telling us about an underwear issue. MARK Underwear? What's that? BRAN It's embarrassing man. I don't want to get into it. MARK Underwear .... It ' s the underpants man! (MARK SUDDENLY JUMPS TO INTERCEPT A PASS. HE MISSES AND LANDS WITH A HEAVY STOMP ON BRAN'S FOOT. MARK BENDS OVER TO CATCH HIS BALANCE AND THE FOOTBALL BOUNCES OFF MARK'S BACK AND INTO BRAN'S FACE. BRAN LOSES HIS BALANCE AND FALLS BACKWARD INTO SOME TRASH CANS. THEY ALL RUSH TO HIS SIDE.) BILLY Does anyone know CPR? JOHNNY I do! Bran, are you okay? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 57 . BILLY Are you okay? BRAN I'm fine. MARK Sure? BRAN Uh huh. JOHNNY Do you want to go see a doctor? BRAN No, no, no. I'm good, I'm alright. I'm fine. JOHNNY Yeah Mark, take him to a doctor, and Bran, listen if you need anything call me anytime alright. We are very good friends and I will do everything in my power to help you get better. (MARK IS HELPING BRAN WALK AWAY.) BILLY Take care of him Mark! (BILLY PICKS UP THE FOOTBALL AND STARTS TO CRY.) Oh man.... oh man, oh man. JOHNNY (JOHNNY PUTS HIS ARM AROUND BILLY AND TOGETHER THEY START TO SING AS THEY WATCH MARK AND BRAN HEAD OFF TO THE HOSPITAL.) JOHNNY /BILLY Onward, Christian soldiers, marching as to war.... END SCENE Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 58 SCENE 14 JOHNNY IS SITTING NEXT TO THE PHONE. HE LOOKS AROUND TO CHECK THAT NO ONE IS AROUND THEN PULLS OUT THE TAPE RECORDER FROM UNDER THE TABLE. HE PRESSES SOME BUTTONS ON THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND MUFFLED VOICES ARE HEARD AS THE TAPE PLAYS. JOHNNY IS SHAKING HIS HEAD AND LOOKING VERY DISTURBED. HE SUDDENLY TAKES OUT THE TAPE AND HURLES IT ACROSS THE ROOM AS HE SCREAMS. THERE IS A RING OF THE DOORBELL AND JOHNNY WALKS OVER AND OPENS THE DOOR. PETER, AN INTELLECTUAL AND A PSYCHOLOGIST WHO WEARS GLASSES IS AT THE DOOR. JOHNNY INVITES HIM IN. JOHNNY Oh hi Peter, I'm so glad you stopped by. Come in and have a seat. I'll get some water for us to drink. (PETER SITS DOWN ON THE COUCH AND JOHNNY GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND COMES BACK WITH TWO GLASSES AND A PITCHER OF WATER WHICH HE POURS FOR BOTH OF THEM. JOHNNY SITS DOWN.) I don't understand women. Do you Peter? PETER Of course I do . I'm a psychologist. What's the problem? JOHNNY They never say what they mean, and they always play games. (JOHNNY HANDS PETER A GLASS OF WATER.) PETER Okay, what do you mean? JOHNNY I have a serious problem with Lisa. I don't think she's being faithful to me. In fact, I know she isn't. PETER Lisa? Are you sure? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 59 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY I'm sure. I overheard a conversation between Lisa and her mother, and I recorded some phone conversations she had with a guy who has a voice that coincidentally sounds very similar to the voice of Mark, who is my best friend. What should I do Peter? PETER This is Lisa we are talking about? JOHNNY Yeah . PETER Are you sure? JOHNNY Yes . PETER What would you like me to say? JOHNNY You are a psychologist, Peter. Don't you have some advice? PETER (PETER IS STANDING AND DRINKING WATER.) I am an expert, that's true, and it's not a very complicated situation. But Johnny, you are my friend and I don't want to get between you and Lisa. Look, I think you should confront her and show her who's the man of the house. JOHNNY I can't confront her, I have to give her a second chance. After all she's my future wife. You know what they say, love is blind. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 60 . PETER It's not about love, Johnny. It's about control, and the best way to control a female is to make them emotionally dependent on you. You didn't do that, so Lisa found it somewhere else. (THE DOORBELL RINGS.) Did you hear the door? JOHNNY Yeah . (JOHNNY WALKS OVER AND OPENS THE DOOR.) Oh hi Mark, come in. MARK (MARK ENTERS WITH A BIG SMILE.) Oh hey Johnny. Hey Peter. JOHNNY We are just talking about women. MARK (MARK CLOSES THE DOOR AND WALKS OVER TO THE CHAIR.) Women, man, women just confuse me. Can’t live with them, can't live without them, but we need them for baby making. (MARK SITS DOWN ON THE CHAIR.) I have a girl, but she's married. She's very attractive. It's driving me crazy. PETER Why didn't you mention this before? I'm a psychologist. Is it anyone I know? MARK (HE IS DEFENSIVE.) What do you mean, is it someone you know? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 61 . JOHNNY Can I meet her? MARK Why would you want to do that, Johnny? I mean, well, um, what would Lisa think? It's an awkward situation. JOHNNY Oh I see. You mean she's too old or you think I will take her away from you? Huh? ( JOHNNY AND PETER LAUGH . ) MARK No! JOHNNY I have my own problems. PETER Tell me about your problems Johnny. JOHNNY Peter, you always play psychologist with us. PETER Look, I may be your friend, but by profession I am a psychologist, and that makes me an expert on these issues. JOHNNY Lisa is teasing me about whether we will get married or not, and we haven't made love in awhile. I don't know what to do. PETER What kind of man are you Johnny? People are people. Sometimes they can't see their own faults, so they need someone to tell them. You have to give it to her straight. It takes two to tango Johnny, and if all she has are two left feet she'll just end up stepping all over your toes. You're going to get hurt . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 62 . MARK Hey I'm thinking of moving to a better place man. I'm making some good money. PETER Look, you should tell her the truth. You are doing this for your girl, right? JOHNNY You are right Peter! Is she getting a divorce Mark? MARK You guys are too much! Hey, are you running Bay to Breakers this year? JOHNNY I am, sure. PETER No, I'm not going this year. JOHNNY Ha, ha!! Chicken Peter, you are just a little chicken!!! Chip!!! Chip!!! Chip!!!! Chip!!!!! Chip!!!! MARK Ha Ha! ! Squeak! ! ! Squeak! ! ! ! Honk! ! ! Little Chicken! ! ! PETER Who are you guys calling a chicken? I just don't like all the weirdos. There's too many weirdos. JOHNNY I don't mind. Mark, do you remember the one with the big tits, the blonde one? MARK How about the one with the bridal gown and the sign? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 63 . JOHNNY Oh yeah, "Please Marry Me". I almost took her up on it. MARK I never ate so much bread. JOHNNY The barbecue chicken and rice was delicious. That was cool. PETER You guys proved my point. You are both weird. You guys want to play cards? JOHNNY No, we can't. I expect Lisa any minute. MARK Hey, who's king of the house? PETER Yeah, you have to establish these guidelines before you get married. How did you meet Lisa? you never told us. JOHNNY It's a very interesting story. When I moved to San Francisco I had two suitcases and I didn't know anyone. I hit the YMCA with a two thousand dollar check that I couldn't cash. MARK Why not? JOHNNY Because it was an out of state bank. Anyway, I was working as a bus boy in a hotel and Lisa was sitting, drinking her coffee and she was so beautiful, and I say hi to her. That's how we met. MARK So, what's the interesting part? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) 64 . PETER Oh give us a break Mark! Isn't it obvious? A two thousand dollar out of state bank issued check that he can't cash? Ha Ha Ha! That's quite the conundrum. I'll bet it's never been cashed, has it. JOHNNY You're right Peter, on both counts. I had the uncashed check laminated and placed in a photo album, which is indeed very interesting. But, even more interesting is that Lisa was living in San Francisco at the time. MARK So? (JOHNNY TAKES A DEEP BREATH AND PETER LOOKS AT THE FLOOR.) JOHNNY Don't you see, Mark? Lisa had her own home in the city. She did not need to stay in a hotel. She had some kind of inexplicable urge to spend the night in that very hotel, during my shift. It was meant to be! MARK What, no tips from your job? (JOHNNY AND PETER LOOK AT EACH OTHER WITH AWKWARD SILENCE.) JOHNNY Whatever, do you guys want to eat something? (JOHNNY WALKS OVER TO THE KITCHEN AS PETER AND MARK SHAKE THEIR HEAD. ) LISA (LISA AND BILLY WALK IN. MARK TURNS AROUND AND LOOKS AT LISA. ) Hey guys. What's going on? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (7) 65 . PETER Oh, hey Lisa. MARK Hey Lisa. (MARK GETS UP FROM THE CHAIR AND STANDS IN FRONT OF LISA AND BILLY. BILLY IS LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW.) LISA Where's Johnny? MARK He's in the kitchen. I got to go. LISA I didn't mean to chase you off. I wish you'd stick around for awhile . MARK Are you crazy? I have to be at work early. See ya. (MARK LOOKS AT BILLY AND EXITS THE LIVING ROOM. PETER THEN GETS UP AND LEAVES. BILLY SITS ON THE FLOOR.) LISA Why are you sitting on the floor Billy? BILLY It's hard to explain, you wouldn't understand. LISA (SHE IS SCREAMING.) You son of a bitch!!! What the hell is the matter with you!? You're the reason I drink! If you don't get up this instant I'm going to belt whip you so hard you'll wish you were going to the moon! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (8) 6 6 . BILLY (BILLY STANDS UP FROM THE FLOOR.) There, are you happy now? LISA (STILL SCREAMING.) I am happy!!! Look Billy! I have to talk to Johnny! I'll see you later ! ! ! BILLY Will you tell him I said hello? LISA Alright! ! ! BILLY Yes ! (WITH AN OBNOXIOUS GRIN, BILLY SARCASTICALLY SKIPS TO THE FRONT DOOR AND EXITS, THEN LISA STOMPS INTO THE KITCHEN.) END SCENE ACT III SCENE 15 PETER COMES OUT OF THE DOOR TO THE ROOF AND FINDS MARK SITTING ON THE BENCH LOOKING DEPRESSED. PETER Oh, hi Mark. What's happening? MARK Hi Peter. PETER ( PAUSE . ) This is a good place to think, huh? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 67 . CONTINUED: (MARK PULLS A JOINT You wanna put me on MARK OUT OF HIS POCKET AND LIGHTS IT.) the clock? PETER What's that? (HE POINTS AT THE JOINT.) MARK (HE OFFERS THE JOINT TO PETER.) You want some? PETER No man. You know I don't smoke that stuff. You look depressed. MARK I got this sick feeling in my stomach. I did something awful. I just can't forgive myself. PETER Why don't you tell me about it? MARK Well, I feel like running, or killing myself. Something crazy like that. PETER Why are you smoking that crap? No wonder you can't think straight. That stuff will mess up your brain. MARK Anyway, it's none of your business. Why are you so nosy? You think you know everything. You don't know shit. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 68 . PETER Just a minute. Who do you think you are? You're acting like a kid. Grow up. MARK (MARK THROWS THE JOINT TO THE FLOOR AND SMASHES IT OUT WITH HIS SHOE, AND HE IS YELLING.) Who are you calling a kid? Fuck you! PETER (PETER GRABS HIM BY THE ARM AND THEY STAND UP TOGETHER.) Cool it Mark. I'm just trying to help you. I know you're having an affair with Lisa. Am I wrong? MARK (HE JERKS HIS ARM AWAY FROM PETER'S GRIP AND HITS HIM IN THE FACE WITH HIS FIST. HE KNOCKS HIM DOWN. PETER IS UNCONSCIOUS. MARK STARES AT HIM.) Wake up man. Wake up (HE LOOKS AROUND AND SEES A BUCKET OF WATER, GRABS IT AND POURS IT ON PETER'S FACE.) PETER (PETER SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SLOWLY WAKES UP. THEN HE SITS UP.) What are you doing? Are you crazy? MARK I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. You're my best friend. Are you okay? PETER Don't worry about it. Let's just talk about your problem. (PETER TAKES HIS SHIRT OFF AND WIPES HIS FACE WITH IT.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 69 . MARK (MARK SITS NEXT TO PETER.) Are you sure you're okay? ( PAUSE . ) Why do you want to know my secret? Well, you're right, it's Lisa. I don't know what to do . I'm so depressed. I think I'll kill myself. Johnny is my best friend. She's so manipulative. PETER How did this happen? If Johnny finds out that will be the end of your friendship. What were you thinking? Look, life is very complex, but you have to face it. You should have to be responsible. My advice to you is that you should stop thinking about her, and never do sex with her. Find another girl. That's my advice. Lisa's a sociopath. She only cares about herself, and she's incapable of loving anyone. MARK Whatever Peter. Let's go. (THEY GO OUT THE DOOR.) END SCENE SCENE 16 JOHNNY IS ON THE PHONE DRESSED IN A TUXEDO. JOHNNY Oh thank you. Thanks a lot. (JOHNNY HANGS UP THE PHONE. BILLY ENTERS, ALSO DRESSED IN A TUXEDO AND HOLDING A FOOTBALL.) JOHNNY Oh hi Billy. That was some funeral wasn't it. BILLY Yeah, I'm just glad it's over. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 70 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY Billy, we had to make sure Jimmy was really dead. Now that we all saw him lain down in that funeral casket we can be sure he'll never trouble you ever again for his money. BILLY There's just some things I don't understand Johnny. JOHNNY Like what? Death? The meaning of life? Love? BILLY No, I mean what happened at the police station. Didn't you take Jimmy straight there? It's all very strange. JOHNNY Well you know, the police have to deal with all sorts of crazy people. So, sometimes at the station the police have to do what may seem to us like some strange things. BILLY But they said all his blood was sucked out of his body. JOHNNY Some very .... strange things. BILLY (THE DOORBELL RINGS. BILLY OPENS THE DOOR AND PETER WALKS IN WEARING A TUXEDO.) Hey Peter, come in. PETER It's too bad about Jimmy. I know he was a bad guy, but that was just crazy. Besides, funerals are so depressing. JOHNNY Hey that's life. Have a seat Peter. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 71 . (PETER SITS DOWN ON A CHAIR. THE DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN AND BILLY OPENS THE DOOR. MARK ENTERS CLEAN SHAVEN AND HAS A BIG SMILE. HE IS WEARING A TUXEDO.) Wow! Wow! BILLY JOHNNY MARK Hey guys. You like it? YEAH! PETER/ JOHNNY/BILLY JOHNNY You look great. You look like babyface. PETER What's the occasion Mark? MARK I started a new job and they told me I can't show up there looking like a caveman. So there you have it. BILLY What did you think of the funeral Mark? We were looking for you. MARK What funeral? BILLY Okay Hey, you guys want to play some catch the football? PETER In tuxes, you gotta be kidding? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 72 BILLY Come on Mark, let's do it. MARK I ' m up for it . BILLY Johnny? JOHNNY Ask Mr. Glasses-Head over there. BILLY Come on Peter . PETER No, I don't think so. BILLY Please?? Come on. CHIP!!!!! BILLY/ JOHNNY CHIP! ! ! ! CHIP! ! ! (BILLY AND JOHNNY MAKE CHICKEN NOISES AS THEY FLAP THEIR ARMS . ) MARK (MARK STARTS PRANCING AROUND THE ROOM, CLAPPING HIS HANDS.) HEE-HAW!! MOOOO!!!! RIBBIT!!! RIBBIT!!!!! PRA-SKWWWAAAWWW! ! ! ! END SCENE SCENE 17 JOHNNY, MARK, BILLY, AND PETER ALL RUN OUT TOGETHER, YELLING, AND BEGIN TO PLAY CATCH THE FOOTBALL. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 73 . CONTINUED: BILLY Catch Johnny! Nice snag! All right Peter! Here we go Mark! Come on ! (BILLY MAKES A GREAT CATCH FROM MARK.) Catch Mark. MARK (MARK WINDS UP AND MOTIONS TO PETER THAT HE’S GOING TO THROW A LONG BOMB . ) Go , go . . . (PETER RUNS DEEP AND FALLS FLAT ON HIS FACE. HIS LEG IS HURT. MARK, BILLY, AND JOHNNY RUSH OVER TO SEE IF HE'S OKAY.) BILLY Gee Mark, why don't you try NOT hurting someone for a change. PETER It's not his fault. It's those damn drugs! JOHNNY Come on, let's go see a doctor. (MARK, JOHNNY, AND BILLY HELP PETER GET UP AND THEY ALL WALK OFF TOGETHER.) END SCENE SCENE 18 JOHNNY IS IN THE KITCHEN GETTING READY FOR WORK, AND LISA IS STILL ASLEEP. HE FINISHES HIS BREAKFAST, THEN HE GOES OVER TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND PRESSES A FEW BUTTONS. THE TAPE RECORDER STARTS PLAYING AND MUFFLED VOICES ARE HEARD. JOHNNY LOOKS VERY ANGRY. HE PRESSES SOME MORE BUTTONS THEN REGAINS HIS COMPOSURE. JOHNNY (JOHNNY GOES OVER TO LISA AND KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK.) Bye Lisa. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: 74 . (JOHNNY GOES OUT THE DOOR.) LISA (LISA WAKES UP AND GOES TO THE KITCHEN AND FIXES HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE. SHE GOES TO THE PHONE AND DIALS A NUMBER . ) Hello mom. How are you? CLAUDETTE I'm okay. How are you? LISA There it us again. CLAUDETTE What are you talking about? LISA That clicking noise. The phone's been making a strange sound lately . CLAUDETTE You should report it to the phone company. Utilities are very expensive these days. Did you call a repair technician? LISA No, I think I'll just by a new phone. There's a Radio-Shack nearby . CLAUDETTE Well, as long as Johnny's paying for it. So, how are you? LISA I'm fixing the apartment for Johnny's birthday, but I'm really not into it. CLAUDETTE Why not? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 75 . LISA Oh, I don’t want to get married. I love Mark. Don't you understand that? CLAUDETTE It's not right Lisa. You should still keep Johnny because he's very independent, and you ain't. Think about the money. LISA Yeah, but I'm not happy anymore. Before I met Mark I didn't think he would blow my mind. CLAUDETTE What are you talking about? You weren't meant to be happy. I haven't been happy since I got married for the first time. I didn't want to marry your dad either. I've been miserable since then. It's true, men are all assholes. You have to use them and abuse them. There's nothing wrong with that. LISA I know. Johnny's okay, and I have him wrapped around my little finger. CLAUDETTE Well, then you should be happy. LISA But, I don't love him. CLAUDETTE Don't throw your life away just because you don't love him. That's ridiculous. You've got to grow up and listen to me. LISA Okay, I'll see you at the party then. CLAUDETTE Bye . END SCENE Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 76 SCENE 19 JOHNNY AND MARK ENTER A COFFEE SHOP AND APPROACH THE COUNTER. WE SEE STEAMED MILK BEING PREPARED BY SUSAN, THE BARISTA. JOHNNY IS READING SOME FINE PRINT ON A FOLDER AND HOLDING THE FOLDER DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HIS FACE, COVERING IT FROM VIEW. JOHNNY Hi, can I have a hot chocolate please? (JOHNNY THEN PUTS DOWN THE FOLDER, REVEALING HIS FACE.) SUSAN Oh hi Johnny! I didn't know it was you. What size would you like? JOHNNY Medium. SUSAN Sure . (SHE LOOKS AT MARK.) How about you? MARK I'll have a mint tea. SUSAN Medium also? MARK Whatever floats your boat. SUSAN Go sit down. We'll be right there. (MARK AND JOHNNY GO SIT DOWN AT A TABLE.) MARK Man, I'm so tired of girl's games. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 77 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY What happened now Mark? MARK Relationships never work man, I don't know why I waste my time . JOHNNY What makes you say that? MARK It's not that easy Johnny. JOHNNY Well, you should be happy Mark. MARK Yeah I know. Life is too short. JOHNNY Maybe for you it is . (SUSAN BRINGS BY THEIR BEVERAGES TO JOHNNY AND MARK.) JOHNNY Oh thank you Susan. SUSAN You're welcome. Now how about something you can really get into with a fork, like cheesecake? MARK No! JOHNNY No, not today, maybe some other day. But thanks for thinking about it . THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED CONTINUED: (2) 78 . SUSAN Real good. Okay then. Fine, alright. (JOHNNY AND MARK ARE DRINKING THEIR DRINKS.) MARK How was work today? JOHNNY Pretty good. We got a new client and the bank will make a lot of money. MARK What client? Do I know him? What's his name? JOHNNY I can't tell you, it's confidential. MARK Oh come on man, why not? I thought we were best friends. JOHNNY No, I cannot. Anyway, how's your sex life? MARK I can't talk about it. JOHNNY Why not, are you hiding something? (MARK GETS NERVOUS.) SUSAN (AT THAT VERY MOMENT SUSAN COMES OVER AND PUTS THE BILL DOWN ON THE TABLE . ) Take your time . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) MARK (MARK PICKS UP THE BILL AND SEES AN OPPORTUNITY TO DRAW JOHNNY’S ATTENTION AWAY FROM THEIR DISCUSSION. HE YELLS AT SUSAN . ) You son of a bitch!!! I didn't order this! SUSAN (SUSAN RUSHES OVER.) What's wrong!? MARK Oh, whoops. I made a mistake, you were right. JOHNNY (JOHNNY LOOKS DOWN AT HIS WATCH.) Oh god I have to run. MARK Already? JOHNNY Yeah, I'm sorry. MARK Alright, it's on me. JOHNNY Wow! You really are the best friend a guy could ever have. See you Mark . MARK By the way, do you want to go jogging in Golden Gate Park? JOHNNY Yeah sure, what time? THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED CONTINUED: (4) 80 . MARK Golden Gate Park. ... about six thirty? JOHNNY Yeah, right on. Cool! (JOHNNY GETS UP, SHAKES MARK’S HAND AND GRABS HIS DRINK.) Okey, Dokey (JOHNNY RUSHES OUT. MARK SIPS HIS TEA AND SMIRKS COYLY.) END SCENE SCENE 20 (MARK AND LISA ENTER THE BEDROOM THROUGH THE STAIRCASE. LISA GRABS MARK AGGRESSIVELY.) MARK What's going on here? LISA I like you very much. Sparky Marky. MARK Look come on, Johnny's my best friend. (LISA GIGGLES. ) LISA Just one more time. (LISA GRABS MARK, REMOVES HIS SWEATER AND TOSSES HIM ONTO THE BED. LISA AND MARK BEGIN TO KISS INTENSELY.) MARK Oh yeah . (MARK AND LISA CONTINUE TO GET MORE INTENSE AS THE LIGHTING FADES TO BLACK.) END SCENE Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 81 SCENE 20 MARK IS SITTING UNDER A TREE AS JOHNNY ARRIVES IN HIS CAR, BLASTING RAP MUSIC. THEY SHAKE HANDS AND START JOGGING. MARK Live fast, die young. JOHNNY Yeah that's the idea. You're right! MARK It's better to burn out than fade away. JOHNNY Yeah, that's it bro ! ! MARK In the warrior's code there's no surrender. JOHNNY You got it Mark, that's the one!!! MARK When there's thunder in your heart, every move is like a lightning . JOHNNY Yes!!! Right on! Ha Ha! (JOHNNY AND MARK JOG TO THE FINISH.) END SCENE SCENE 21 LISA IS SWEEPING THE FLOOR AS THE DOORBELL RINGS. LISA Who is it? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: MARK Delivery man.... it's me Mark. Come on open up. LISA Mark's not here man. (THEY ARE LAUGHING.) Okay, come on in. (MARK ENTERS THE ROOM CARRYING BAGS OF GROCERIES.) LISA Hey Mark. MARK Wow, so are you going to be ready? LISA How do you mean that? I'm always ready for you. MARK I mean for the party. LISA We have plenty of time. All I have to is put on my party dress. Come on. (LISA THROWS THE BROOM ASIDE AND TAKES OFF HER TOP. MARK STARES AT HER IN DISMAY.) MARK Wait, what are you doing? LISA Nothing . (LISA REMOVES MARKS SWEATER AND THEY FALL ONTO THE COUCH TOGETHER AND BEGIN TO KISS. MARKS ZIPPER IS UNDONE.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 83 . MARK Hold on, what about Johnny? LISA I sent him out to buy groceries. MARK Clever girl. You are so beautiful. (THEY CONTINUE TO MAKE OUT AND KISS INTIMATELY. THERE'S A SUDDEN KNOCK AT THE DOOR WHICH PROPELS MARK AND LISA TO JUMP UP AND GET DRESSED IN A HURRY.) LISA Hurry up, I have to answer the door. MARK Wait! hang on, hang on, hang on. (MARK IS STRUGGLING TO GET HIS SWEATER ON.) LISA Who is it? MICHELLE It's me, Michelle. I brought the stuff. LISA Michelle's not here man. (MARK AND LISA EXPLODE WITH LAUGHTER. AFTER A MINUTE THEY CALM DOWN . ) Okay Michelle. It's open, come on in. (MICHELLE COMES IN CARRYING A GROCERY BAG AND IS SHOCKED TO SEE MARK ADJUSTING HIS CLOTHES.) LISA How are you doing? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) MICHELLE Hi, I'm fine. I brought the stuff. LISA I knew I could count on you. MICHELLE Hi Mark, XYZ . MARK What are you talking about? Are you crazy or something? MICHELLE Examine your zipper. MARK (MARK LOWERS HIS HEAD AND CAREFULLY EXAMINES HIS ZIPPER, LOOKING AT IT CLOSELY AND REPEATEDLY TESTING THAT IT CLOSES AND OPENS CORRECTLY.) It seems okay to me . LISA Come on you guys, I'm trying to prepare for the party. MICHELLE So what can i do to help? MARK (MARK IS STILL CHECKING HIS ZIPPER.) You can help by telling me what's wrong with my zipper. (MICHELLE AND LISA LAUGH AND THEY SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH TOGETHER. MARK EXITS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR WHILE STILL LOOKING AT HIS ZIPPER, REPEATEDLY ZIPPING IT UP AND DOWN.) MICHELLE What was he doing here? THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED CONTINUED: (4) 85 . LISA Oh, he brought some take-out. MICHELLE What about his zipper!!!! (MICHELE AND LISA LAUGH HYSTERICALLY.) LISA Leave him alone. He's a nice guy. MICHELLE No, I mean-did something happen? LISA He tried to rape me, but I didn't let him. MICHELLE Did you tell Johnny yet? LISA No, they are good friends. MICHELLE I know. Tricky! Tricky! LISA You know, I really loved Johnny at first. MICHELLE Really? I thought you loved him now. LISA Until now I did. I think I still love him. Everything's changed. I need more from life than what Johnny can give me. Suddenly my eyes are wide open and I see the light. I want it all. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 86 . MICHELLE Do you think you can get it all from Mark? LISA I want to play the field. If he doesn't give me what I want then somebody else will. MICHELLE I think I don't know you anymore. (MICHELLE IS LAUGHING.) ( PAUSE . ) You are being so manipulative Lisa. LISA So what, you can learn from me. (LISA LAUGHS.) ( PAUSE . ) You have to take as much as you can. You have to live, live, live my friend. Don't worry, I have everything covered. MICHELLE Tell me more. Maybe I can understand your point of view. LISA Look, I don't want to talk about it. Let's put this stuff in bowls. We only have an hour before people start coming. (LISA AND MICHELLE CARRY ON PARTY PREPARATIONS WHILE THEY ARE TALKING . ) MICHELLE I want to know, it's important to me. You're my best friend. This really upsets me. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) 87 . LISA I don't know what the big mystery is. Doesn't everybody look out for number one? Aren't I worth it? Don't I deserve the best? MICHELLE I can't do that. You are too much for me Lisa. LISA You're not such an angel yourself. MICHELLE We're not talking about me. (MICHELLE THROWS A CHERRY TOMATO AT LISA. LISA THROWS A PRAWN IN MICHELLE'S FACE. THEY BOTH PLAYFULLY LAUGH.) LISA Stop it, they'll be here any minute. Are you trying to ruin my party? MICHELLE I'm with you, let's talk later. It looks to me like we're ready. END SCENE ACT IV SCENE 22 JOHNNY IS SITTING INSIDE HIS CAR WHICH IS PARKED OUTSIDE THE APARTMENT. HE PUTS A TAPE IN THE CAR TAPE PLAYER AND PRESSES PLAY. WE HEAR THE VOICES OF MARK AND LISA. VOICE OF MARK We sure fooled Johnny, didn't we. He doesn't suspect a thing! We could carry on right under his nose and he wouldn't be the wiser. He still thinks I'm his best friend! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 88 . CONTINUED: VOICE OF LISA Johnny does whatever I tell him. I have him totally whipped. The best part is he totally trusts me and thinks I will never betray him. VOICE OF MARK I know. What a dope! Har har har!!! VOICE OF LISA He's as good in bed as he is at getting promotions.... Awful! (JOHNNY STOPS THE TAPE, THEN POUNDS HIS CHEST WITH HIS FISTS AND SCREAMS . ) END SCENE SCENE 23 LISA IS WEARING A LITTLE BLACK DRESS AND IS SITTING ON THE COUCH. SHE EAGERLY LOOKS AT THE CLOCK AND WAITS A FEW MOMENTS. SUDDENLY THERE IS THE SOUND OF A KEY OPENING THE DOOR. THE DOOR OPENS AND JOHNNY ENTERS. HE IS VERY ANGRY. LISA Hi honey, happy birthday! JOHNNY (THE ANGRY LOOK ON JOHNNY'S FACE FADES.) Thank you. CROWD ( JUST THEN A DOOR OPENS AND A CROWD OF PEOPLE COMES OUT . ) Surprise ! ! ! (THE CROWD BEGINS TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO JOHNNY.) Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you... JOHNNY Oh wow! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED CROWD Happy Birthday dear Johnny... JOHNNY Wow, alright, thank you. . CROWD Happy Birthday to you. . JOHNNY Thank you, thank you. BILLY (IN A SINGING VOICE.) And many more . . . . ! (EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AND CHEERING.) JOHNNY (JOHNNY TURNS TO LISA.) I'll talk to you later. (SEVERAL GUYS SHAKE JOHNNY'S HAND. THE GUYS SLAP HIM ON HIS BACK, AND THE GIRLS SLAP HIS BEHIND AND KISS HIM ON THE CHEEK, AND SOME OF THEM GIVE HIM PRESENTS. HE PUTS THEM ON THE COFFEE TABLE. JOHNNY PRETENDS TO BE HAPPY, BUT HE IS GLANCING AT LISA. FOR A WHILE THERE IS GENERAL CONVERSATION AND LAUGHING.) END SCENE SCENE 24 THE PARTY CONTINUES TO GROW AS EVERYONE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME. PEOPLE ARE MINGLING, DANCING, DRINKING, AND LAUGHING. MARK AND LISA CATCH EYES AND FLIRT AS JOHNNY TAKES NOTICE. BRAN AND MICHELLE FLIRT AS MICHELLE FEEDS HIM A PIECE OF CHOCOLATE CAKE AND BRAN FEEDS HIMSELF IN A JOKING MANNER. LISA WALKS OVER TO THEM AND LAUGHS. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 90 . CONTINUED: LISA Hey everybody, let's go outside for some fresh air! (EVERYBODY CHEERS AND BEGINS TO LEAVE THE ROOM. LISA STOPS MARK AT THE DOOR. SHE CLOSES IT AND GRABS HIM.) Wait, I have something i want to show you. MARK What is it? (MARK AND LISA WALK OVER AND SIT DOWN ON THE COUCH. SHE PLACES HER LEGS ON MARK ' S LAP . ) MARK So, what do you want to show me? LISA It's a surprise. (MARK AND LISA BEGIN TO KISS.) MARK Oh, I love surprises! But what are you doing? Are you crazy? Everybody's here. LISA No they're not. They're all outside. (MARK AND LISA ARE GIGGLING.) MARK Lisa, you diabolical .... you planned this all along! Now where's the surprise? (LISA LAUGHS AND THEY KISS. SUDDENLY THE DOOR OPENS AND PETER COMES IN WHILE MARK AND LISA ARE KISSING.) PETER What's going on here!? (LISA AND MARK STAND UP IN SHOCK.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 91 . PETER Why are you doing this ! ? MARK It's a surprise! LISA Mark and I are two consenting adults. We have the right. PETER Well I don't approve. Now I want to know why you are doing this . Why ! ? LISA I love him. PETER I don't believe it. MARK You don't understand anything. Leave your stupid comments in your pocket. PETER Excuse me? 'MY' stupid comments!? Here's some words of wisdom for YOU, you comment making idiot. You think your opinions are so important and that you possess some natural-born expertise. But take it from ME, a REAL expert, when I say that your comments are even more stupider than you, the very person making them. Now, I have a lot of experience, so when I say something, it counts. That's because I'm very important and I know what I'm talking about, unlike feeble-minded you. I see you want to make a retort with a comment, do you? PSHAW!!! You can't make a comment because you're speechless, and you're too AFRAID. Besides, No one wants to hear your stupidness anyway. (MARK STORMS OUT THE DOOR, SPEECHLESS, FURIOUS, AND AFRAID.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) PETER (TO LISA) Do you understand what you are doing? You are going to destroy Johnny. He is very sensitive. LISA I don't care. I'm in love with Mark. PETER How can you do this? You make me sick! JOHNNY (THE DOOR OPENS AND JOHNNY COMES IN WITH MICHELLE.) Thank you honey, this is a beautiful party. You invited all my friends. Good thinking. LISA You're welcome darling. You know how much I love you. JOHNNY I do, Ha Ha Ha. LISA You know, it's getting really hot in here. Why don't we go back outside. JOHNNY Uh huh. (LISA AND PETER MAKE THEIR WAY TO THE DOOR, AND EVERYBODY EXITS AS JOHNNY CLOSES THE DOOR. ) END SCENE SCENE 25 THE PARTY IS NOW TAKING PLACE ON THE ROOF AS PEOPLE ARE DRINKING, LAUGHING, AND MINGLING. JOHNNY IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CROWD. THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED 93 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY Hey everybody, I have an announcement to make. We are expecting ! (EVERYBODY CONGRATULATES JOHNNY BY SHAKING HIS HAND AND PATTING HIM ON THE BACK AND BEHIND. IT'S ALL SMILES AND LAUGHTER. HOWEVER, PETER AND MICHELLE STAND TOGETHER, LOOKING VERY WORRIED. MICHELLE TAKES LISA BY THE HAND AND LEADS HER TO AN UNOCCUPIED CORNER, AND PETER JOINS THEM.) MICHELLE Lisa, you have to be honest with Johnny. PETER I agree with that. MICHELLE (MICHELLE LOOKS AROUND.) You know what's going on? PETER (PETER NODS HIS HEAD.) Urn hmmm. LISA Look, I'm going to tell him. I just don't want to spoil his birthday . PETER When is the baby due? LISA There is no baby. MICHELLE/PETER What ! ? THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED CONTINUED: (2) 94 . PETER What are you talking about? LISA I just told him that to make it interesting. Anyway, we'll probably have a baby eventually. You won't say anything to Johnny, will you? MICHELLE (MICHELLE PUTS HER HAND ON HER FOREHEAD.) This is just getting worse and worse. PETER I feel like I'm sitting on an atomic bomb waiting for it to go off. MICHELLE Me too. There's no simple solution to this. LISA Don't worry. You guys worry entirely too much about me. MICHELLE Lisa, we're not worried about you, we are worried about Johnny. You don't understand the psychological impact of what you are doing here. You're hurting yourself, you are hurting OUR friendship. PETER Actually it's more like a thermonuclear bomb I'm sitting on, using the primary fission reaction from the atomic bomb I was previously sitting on to compress and ignite a secondary hydrogen based fusion reaction. LISA I am not responsible for Johnny. I'm through with that. I'm changing, the whole world's changing. I have the right, don't I? People are changing all the time. I have to think about my future. What's it to you? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 95 . PETER This is going to pull us all down, it's going to shake up our group of friends. It's going to destroy our friendship Lisa, it's going to destroy everything, just like in that movie. Dr. Strangelove. Except, I don't think Mark really loves you. LISA (LISA STANDS UP.) I don't want to talk about it! MICHELLE Lisa, you are going to have to face it. I for one, am going to have a hard time forgiving you if you don't. LISA (LISA YELLS SO ALL CAN HEAR.) Hey everybody, let's go inside and eat some cake! (THE CROWD CHEERS AND LISA WALKS OFF WITH PETER AND MICHELLE. ) MICHELLE I don't understand you Lisa. PETER Women. They're all the same. END SCENE SCENE 26 PEOPLE ARE ENJOYING THE CAKE. BRAN Lisa looks hot tonight. (JOHNNY IS TALKING TO CLAUDETTE AND HE KISSES HER ON THE CHEEK AS THEY ARE LAUGHING. LISA IS BY THE COFFEE TABLE TALKING WITH PETER, BILLY, AND MICHELLE. MARK APPROACHES THIS GROUP, AND HE IS TIPSY.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: MARK Come on, who's baby is it Lisa? Is it mine? LISA (SHE’S LOOKING VERY ANGRY.) No, of course not. MARK (MARK STEPS CLOSER TO LISA AND PUTS HIS HAND ON HER ARM.) How can you be sure anyway? Are you sure it's not mine? LISA (SHE'S LOOKING VERY ANGRY.) Don't ask me any stupid questions! MARK (MARK HOLDS LISA'S ARM VERY TIGHTLY.) Who the hell do you think you are!? LISA (LISA SLAPS HIM WITH HER OTHER HAND ON THE FACE.) Just shut up! JOHNNY (JOHNNY SEES WHAT IS HAPPENING AND APPROACHES THEM.) What's going on here? MARK You really don't know, do you? LISA He hurt my arm. (SHE IS WHINING.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (2) 97 . JOHNNY I know more than you think I do, Mark. MARK What's that supposed to mean? JOHNNY Precisely what I said. That's why I chose the words. MARK You don't know shit! JOHNNY (JOHNNY IS VERY ANGRY) What do you want from me? What do you want from me! ! ! ! MARK I want you to just disappear, you little twerp. JOHNNY (JOHNNY PUNCHES MARK IN THE SHOULDER.) You leave Lisa alone, prick. MARK (MARK HITS JOHNNY IN THE FACE. JOHNNY RETURNS THE BLOW. THEY END UP ON THE FLOOR WRESTLING AND HITTING EACH OTHER.) LISA (LISA SCREAMS ) Stop! Stop! Stop! Peter! Michelle! Help!!! Help!!!.... (LISA, PETER AND MICHELLE TRY TO PULL THEM A PART. SEVERAL OTHER GUYS HELP LIFT THEM TO THEIR FEET AND HOLD THEM.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 98 . PETER (PETER GRABS A BUCKET OF WATER AND ICE, AND POURS IT ON JOHNNY AND MARK. THE GUYS WHO ARE HOLDING MARK AND JOHNNY ALSO GET WET, AND THEY START LAUGHING AND SHOUTING AT PETER.) MARK Knock it off Peter! What are you doing, are you crazy? BILLY Peter can't be crazy! He's an expert psychologist! (BILLY TURNS TOWARD PETER.) Hey Peter, What's the difference between a psychologist and a duck? PETER I don't know. What? BILLY One's a quack, the other's a duck. JOHNNY The fight's over folks, everything's fine. (JOHNNY STICKS OUT HIS HAND TO SHAKE MARK'S HAND.) Sorry about that Mark. MARK Yeah, yeah. Me too. JOHNNY Lisa, can we have a big mop here? (LISA GOES TO THE KITCHEN TO GET A MOP. PEOPLE START THROWING ICE AT EACH OTHER AND LAUGHING. THE PARTY GOES ON WITH PEOPLE TALKING, DRINKING AND EATING.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 99 . LISA (LISA IS MOPPING THE FLOOR.) You guys knock it off. You're just making more work for me. JOHNNY (JOHNNY GOES TO THE BATHROOM AND COMES OUT WITH A STACK OF TOWELS . ) Towels, anyone? (SEVERAL GUYS TAKE TOWELS AND WIPE THEIR FACES AND HAIRS, AND OTHERS SHOUT.) MARK Yeah, I'll take one, maybe a couple. Maid service, thank goodness . (JOHNNY PUTS ON A HEAVY METAL MUSIC AND THE MOOD CHANGES TO FAST DANCING.) END SCENE SCENE 27 AFTER A WHILE LISA APPROACHES MARK TO DANCE. THEY ARE HOLDING HANDS WHILE DANCING, STARING INTO EACH OTHER'S EYES WITH SEDUCTIVE EXPRESSIONS, OFF AND ON TOUCHING EACH OTHER'S SHOULDERS, HIPS AND KNEES. SOON, JOHNNY NOTICES AND APPROACHES THEM.) JOHNNY What are you doing? LISA None of your business. JOHNNY You are my future wife. What the heck are you doing? MARK Leave her alone, man. She doesn't want to talk to you. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau 100 . CONTINUED: JOHNNY (VERY ANGRILY) Since when do you give me orders ! MARK Since Lisa changed her mind about you. Wake up man. What planet are you on? JOHNNY I think you should leave right now. LISA Don't spoil it, we were just having fun. MARK (MARK POKES JOHNNY SLIGHTLY IN HIS SHOULDER.) Don't worry about it, man. Everything's going to be alright. JOHNNY Don't touch me you stupid motherfucker. Leave my girl alone. (JOHNNY GRABS MARK AROUND HIS NECK AND PUSHES HIM BACK TO THE WALL. MARK FORCES HIS HANDS BETWEEN JOHNNY'S ARMS AND BREAKS JOHNNY’S GRIP, GRABS ONE OF JOHNNY’S ARMS AND TWISTS IT BEHIND JOHNNY'S BACK. JOHNNY LEANS FORWARD AND BREAKS MARK'S GRIP AND WHIRLS AROUND WITH A HIGH JUMPING REVERSE ROUNDHOUSE DRAGON KICK TO THE SIDE OF MARK'S HEAD. AT THE SAME TIME LISA TRIES TO GET BETWEEN THEM SCREAMING.) LISA Stop! Stop! Why are you acting like children? Both of you are ruining the party. (SEVERAL GUYS GRAB MARK AND JOHNNY AND PULL THEM BACK AWAY FROM EACH OTHER AND HOLD THEM. AT THE SAME TIME MARK AND JOHNNY AND THE OTHER GUYS ARE SHOUTING AT EACH OTHER. MICHELLE AND A FEW GIRLS TALK TO LISA TO CALM HER DOWN. EVERYBODY IS TALKING AT ONCE.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: ( 2 ) 101 . MARK You son of a bitch dirty scum! If you keep your girl satisfied, she wouldn't come to me! JOHNNY Get out! If I ever see you again I will kill you. I will break every bone in your body, you son of a bitch asshole! OTHER GUYS (THE OTHER GUYS ARE FORCING MARK TOWARD THE DOOR AND SHOUTING. ) What are you doing, are you nuts? You're supposed to be best friends. Break it up, it's over. Cool it you guys . Mark, go home and take a cold shower. They are so stupid. MARK (MARK IS SHOUTING FROM THE HALLWAY.) You couldn't kill me if you tried. JOHNNY You bastard! You betray me! You are not good, you are just a wimp!!! I'll get you, you just wait!! You chicken!!! CHIP!!! CHIP!!!! CHIP!!!! CHIP!!!!! (CHICKEN NOISES.) MARK (MARK'S SHOUTING THINGS DOWN THE HALLWAY.) Your ass is grass, and I'm the lawnmower!!! Go pee on an electric fence!! JOHNNY Remember Mark!! He who laughs last, laughs last! So go ahead, I dare you to say something in reply to me ! I double dare you!! But I know you won't because you're too afraid!!! (MARK STOMPS AWAY, FURIOUS AND AFRAID.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (3) 102 . PETER Chill out Johnny, it's over. JOHNNY It's not over! Everybody betray me. I'm fed up with this world! (JOHNNY PICKS UP A PARTY GLASS AND THROWS IT AT THE FULL LENGTH MIRROR WHICH SHATTERS INTO SMALL PIECES. SOME GIRLS SCREAM AND BACK AWAY WITH SHOCKED EXPRESSIONS. JOHNNY WHIRLS AROUND AND STOMPS ANGRILY INTO THE BATHROOM AND SLAMS THE DOOR. IMMEDIATELLY THERE ARE MORE SOUNDS OF CRASHING GLASS COMING FROM THE BATHROOM. LISA GOES TO THE BATHROOM AND TRIES TO OPEN THE DOOR, BUT IT'S LOCKED. SHE RATTLES THE DOORNOB AND SCREAMS AT JOHNNY. YELLING.) LISA Open the door! Come out Johnny! (LISA BANGS ON THE DOOR WITH THE HEEL OF HER HAND. MICHELLE COMES OVER TO LISA. ) MICHELLE Calm down Lisa. I never saw him like this. PETER (PETER COMES OVER.) Lisa, it's getting late. I'm going to have to go soon. But, I don't want to leave you like this. LISA I'm alright. This is between Johnny and me anyway. BILLY Good idea Peter. The party's over. Besides, it was a big Lame-0 anyway. (HE MAKES "L" THEN "0" SIGNS WITH HIS HANDS.) I'm also leaving. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (4) 103 . BRAN Me too . (BILLY AND BRAN LEAVE.) CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE, WEARING AN APRON, IS SWEEPING UP BROKEN MIRROR GLASS AND DISPOSING OF IT.) Don't worry Lisa, I'll stay here and help you. OTHER PEOPLE (OTHER PEOPLE TAKE THE HINT AND START GETTING READY TO LEAVE. SEVERAL WOMEN PICK UP EMPTY BOTTLES AND GLASSES AND CARRY THEM TO THE KITCHEN. SOME OTHER PEOPLE GATHER IN A CORNER AND WHISPER AMONG THEMSELVES, LAUGHING AND FINISHING THEIR DRINKS. GRADUALLY THE PEOPLE LEAVE, THANKING LISA FOR INVITING THEM.) See you later. Bye Johnny. See you Johnny. See you Lisa. Happy birthday. Are you going to be alright Lisa? See you everybody. Bye. LISA Don't worry about me. I'll be fine. See you later. See you later. See you later. PETER (PETER KNOCKS ON THE BATHROOM DOOR) Johnny, I'm leaving now. I want to shake your hand. JOHNNY Go on Peter, I'll talk to you tomorrow. Thanks for everything . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (5) 104 . PETER I want to talk to you before I leave. (JOHNNY DOESN'T RESPOND. PETER TURNS TO LISA.) PETER He's pretty stubborn, isn't he? LISA We'll work it out, you can go now. PETER Alright, you call me anytime if you need me. See you later. (PETER GIVES A LITTLE KISS ON LISA'S CHEEK AND TURNS TO MICHELLE. ) PETER See you next Friday, Michelle. MICHELLE Sure Peter. You take care. Bye. (PETER GOES OUT THE DOOR.) MICHELLE Lisa, can I help you clean up? LISA No thanks Michelle. Mom's going to do it. Thanks for all your help . MICHELLE Where is your mom? I don't see her. LISA She's in the kitchen, if I know my mom. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (6) 105 . CLAUDETTE (FROM THE KITCHEN.) I heard that, Lisa. Get your pretty little buns in here and help . MICHELLE Well, I guess I'll leave it to the family. LISA Bye, Bye, see you later, Michelle. Thanks for your help. MICHELLE Bye, Lisa. It was my pleasure. (MICHELLE GOES OUT THE DOOR.) LISA (LISA GOES TO THE KITCHEN.) Mom, what am I going to do? He won't come out of the bathroom. CLAUDETTE Don't bother me about it. I'm not talking to him. He is prick. He won't even help a poor old dying lady. LISA Oh, never mind. (LISA GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR AND RATTLES THE NOB.) Johnny! Hey, Johnny! JOHNNY I won't come out until she leaves. LISA Why are you being such a baby? Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (7) 106 . CLAUDETTE (CLAUDETTE COMES OUT OF THE KITCHEN DRYING HER HANDS ON A KITCHEN TOWEL.) Don't worry!!!! I'm leaving!!!!! (SHE IS TALKING LOUD ENOUGH FOR JOHNNY TO HEAR. SHE FOLDS THE TOWEL AND TAKES OFF HER APRON AND FOLDS IT.) LISA I'm glad you could come mom, thanks for your help. CLAUDETTE Don't mention it dear. Call me tomorrow and we'll see how you feel . LISA I'll get your coat. (LISA HELPS HER MOTHER WITH HER COAT, AND CLAUDETTE GOES OUT THE DOOR. ) CLAUDETTE Good night dear, sweet dreams. Be good to Johnny. (TO JOHNNY. ) Good night Johnny! LISA I'll try. Good night mom. (LISA GOES TO THE BATHROOM DOOR.) LISA Come out now Johnny, she's gone. JOHNNY In a few minutes bitch. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (8) 107 . LISA Who are you calling a bitch? JOHNNY You and your stupid mother. LISA (LISA GOES OVER TO THE PHONE AND PUNCHES NUMBERS, THEN WALKS HOLDING IT TO HER EAR AS FAR INTO THE KITCHEN AS THE CORD WILL STRETCH. ) Hi Mark, I need to talk to you. Don't pay any attention to Johnny, he's being a big baby. You know I love you very much. You're the sparkle of my life. I can't live without you. I love you. MARK Why don't you ditch this creep. I don't like him anymore. LISA I know, he's not worth it. Why don't I come up there and be with you? MARK Sure baby, come on up. I want your body. LISA You got it. I'm on my way. Bye. (LISA HANGS UP.) JOHNNY (ANGRILY, JOHNNY COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM.) Who were you talking to? LISA (LISA TAKES A CANVAS BAG OUT OF THE CLOSET.) Nobody . Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (9) 108 . JOHNNY (JOHNNY WALKS TO THE ANSWERING MACHINE AND PUSHES SOME BUTTONS . ) We'll just see about that! VOICE OF LISA Hi Mark, I need to talk to you. Don't pay any attention to Johnny, he's being a big baby. You know I love you very much. You're the sparkle of my life. I can't live without you. I love you. JOHNNY (JOHNNY PRESSES THE PAUSE BUTTON.) You little tramp! how could you do this to me! I gave you seven years of my life! Let's see what else we have on this tape ! LISA No stop! You little prick! I put up with you for seven years! You think you are an angel, but you're just like everybody. JOHNNY I treat you like a princess and you stabbed me in the back. I love you and I did everything to please you, and now you betray me... how could you love him!! Let's hear the tape. (JOHNNY PRESSES A BUTTON.) VOICE OF MARK Why don't you ditch this creep. I don't like him anymore. VOICE OF LISA I know, he's not worth it. Why don't I come up there and be with you? VOICE OF MARK Sure baby, come on up. I want your body. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (10) 109 . VOICE OF LISA You got it. I'm on my way. Bye. JOHNNY (JOHNNY PICKS UP THE MACHINE AND YANKS IT TO BREAK THE WIRE AND THROWS IT AGAINST THE WALL . ) Everybody betray me! I don't have a friend in the world! LISA I'm leaving you Johnny. (LISA GOES TO THE BATHROOM WITH HER BAG, THROWS A FEW THINGS INTO IT AND RUNS OUT THE DOOR WITH IT.) JOHNNY (JOHNNY IS YELLING WHILE LISA IS SLAMMING THE DOOR.) Get out! Get out! Get out of my life!!! (JOHNNY PICKS UP THE TV AND THROWS IT THROUGH THE WINDOW. THERE'S A BIG NOISE AND CRASH OUTSIDE THE WINDOW. HE YELLS.) JOHNNY Screw the whole world! I don't need them! (MORE GLASS SHATTERS. JOHNNY TIPS A CHAIR OVER, THEN THE SOFA AND GRABS A LAMP AND THROWS IT OUT THE BROKEN WINDOW. WE HEAR A DISTANT CRASH. HE CLEARS OFF THE SHELF WITH HIS HANDS. BOOKS AND OTHER ITEMS FALL ON THE FLOOR. WHATEVER HE SEES HE THROWS AGAINST THE WALLS . ) NEIGHNOR #1. (SOMEONE BANGS ON THE FRONT DOOR.) What's going on in there? Open up! open up! Are you okay? (THERE IS MORE BANGING ON THE DOOR.) Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (11) 110 JOHNNY (JOHNNY GOES INTO THE CLOSET AND THROWS OUT EVERYTHING HE SEES AND FINDS A WOODEN BOX ABOUT THE SIZE OF A SHOE BOX. HE TRIES TO PULL IT OPEN, BUT HE CAN'T. HE THROWS IT TO THE FLOOR BUT IT DOESN'T OPEN. HE KICKS IT, BUT IT DOESN'T OPEN. HE PULLS A PIECE OF METAL FROM THE BOTTOM OF THE CHAIR AND PRIES OPEN THE PADLOCK AND SUCCEEDS. HE OPENS THE BOX AND TAKES OUT A GUN. HE IS CRYING.) Why? Why? Why? Why is this happening to me! Why? Why is this happening to me! I can't deal with this any more! It's over! It's over! (SUDDENLY HE STARES INTO THE CLOSET. HE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT A SEXY NIGHTGOWN. HE HOLDS IT AT ARM'S LENGTH.) You tramp! You tramp! (HE THROWS IT DOWN ON THE FLOOR. HE REACHES IN AND PULLS OUT MORE OF LISA’S CLOTHES AND THROWS THEM ON THE FLOOR. HE LIES ON THE CLOTHES, UNZIPPING HIS ZIPPER. HE IS BREATHING HARD AND WRITHING WITH PELVIC THRUSTS.) (WHEN HE FINISHES, HE SITS UP AND PICKS UP THE GUN. HIS FINGER IS ON THE TRIGGER. TEARS ARE FLOWING DOWN HIS CHEEKS. HE THROWS THE GUN AWAY FROM HIM. HE IS CRYING WITH HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. AFTER A WHILE, HE CRAWLS TO THE GUN, STILL CRYING OUT LOUD. HE REACHES FOR THE GUN WITH HIS HAND SHAKING. HE PICKS IT UP AND POINTS IT AT THE MIDDLE OF HIS FOREHEAD . ) JOHNNY God forgive me. (JOHNNY PULLS THE TRIGGER. HE COLLAPSES ON THE FLOOR GROANING. HE IS DEAD.) LISA (LISA OPENS THE DOOR TO THE APARTMENT. MARK RUSHES IN PAST HER AND KNEELS DOWN BESIDE JOHNNY’S BODY. ALSO SEVERAL NEIGHBORS COME IN. LISA STANDS BY THE DOOR WITH AN EXPRESSION OF HORROR AND HER ARMS FOLDED . ) NEIGHNOR #1. Somebody call the police! Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (12) NEIGHNOR #2. Don't anybody touch anything! Call an ambulance! (ONE PERSON LEAVES THE ROOM TO CALL.) MARK Johnny, open your eyes. Wake up! (MARK HOLDS JOHNNY'S ARM AND HIS HEAD.) LISA Is he dead Mark? Is he dead? MARK (MARK IS VERY EMOTIONAL. HE TOUCHES THE SIDE OF JOHNNY'S NECK. ) Yes he's dead! Yes he's dead!!! (HE KISSES JOHNNY ON THE FOREHEAD.) LISA (LISA PUTS HER HAND OVER HER EYES AND SAYS.) Oh! Oh my God! (MARK STANDS BESIDE LISA AND HOLDS HER TIGHTLY.) LISA Oh well, the insurance is paid up, $ 100,000.00 MARK (MARK STANDS BACK AWAY FROM LISA.) You're thinking of insurance at a time like this!? LISA Don't you see? We're free to be together. Copyright ©, 1999 Copyright ©, 2001-15 Copyright ©, 2000 ALL RIGHT RESERVED THE ROOM by Tommy P. Wiseau CONTINUED: (13) 112 . MARK (MARK PUSHES LISA AGAINST THE WALL.) You tramp! You killed him, you're the cause of all of this. Go to hell! I don't need your dirty money. I don't love you. As far as I'm concerned you can drop off the Earth. ( PAUSE . ) Get out of my life! get out of my life Lisa! (MARK KNEELS AGAIN BESIDE JOHNNY, CRYING. SIRENS CAN BE HEARD IN THE DISTANCE.) THE END